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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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NFL Players Support Player Coming Out, Getting Absolutely Obliterated During Games

NEW YORK—With the increasing likelihood that an active NFL player will announce his homosexuality before the start of the 2012-2013 NFL season, players across the league said they would support a player coming out of the closet and would also support annihilating him on the football field.

“It’s very important that we create a positive, accepting atmosphere for anyone who is brave enough to come out,” Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety Dashon Goldson said. “I will go out of my way to make sure whoever that player is gets the respect he deserves. I will also go out of my way to find him on the field and hit him illegally as many times as possible.”

Saying they would fully embrace and destroy any recently outed player, an overwhelming majority of NFL veterans said they would feel “more than comfortable” accepting a gay member of the league and viciously slamming his body “extra hard” into the turf.

Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh echoed his peers’ outpouring of encouragement, saying he would do his best to welcome, demolish, and cause any homosexual player to leave the stadium on a stretcher.

“Listen, I don’t have a bunch of weird hang-ups about a player’s sexual orientation or some bias against drawing penalties and massive fines for leading with my helmet and putting his life in danger,” said Suh, adding that he would enthusiastically encourage teammates to make an out-of-the-closet player feel both included and an excessive amount of pain. “Some guys might have a difficult time with it, but I am open-minded in terms of how hard I can blindside a gay guy after the whistle is blown.”

“I am going to welcome whoever it is with open arms and neck-breaking horse-collar tackles,” Suh added.

Guard Matt Slauson, who recently signed with the Chicago Bears, admitted he was looking forward to the day when a player could freely come out of the closet and suffer a career-ending injury from a cheap cut block. In addition, Slauson said that he would be perfectly fine with a homosexual teammate, one whom he could potentially learn from and then physically and mentally torture on the practice field as well as in the locker room.

“I think I can definitely coexist with a gay teammate and then shun him in the huddle, pick fights with him on the sidelines, and generally make his life a living hell,” said Slauson, adding that he is completely supportive of however a man chooses to live his life, and is accepting of the fact that his face mask will be violently grabbed and that fingers will be jammed into his eyes. “It might be strange at first, but eventually we’ll get used to showering with a gay player and slamming his head against the wall.”

According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, he has complete faith in his players’ ability to treat every member of the league with the same level of respect, and also complete faith in their ability to treat openly gay ones much, much worse.

“I want any homosexual player to know that if he comes out, he will have the backing of this league 100 percent,” Goodell said. “He’ll also have 100 percent of this league’s players coming at him so fast and hitting him so hard that many will wonder whether or not we do in fact live in the 21st century.”

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