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NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

DALLAS—Responding to increased media attention in the wake of allegations of improper, hostile conduct within the Miami Dolphins organization, several NFL players across the league today expressed concerns that the heightened scrutiny could potentially disrupt professional football’s vibrant locker room BDSM culture. “There’s a very delicate team dynamic that exists in the locker room when we all strap on our restraints and engage in hardcore bondage play, and it needs to stay out of the public eye,” a harness-clad DeMarcus Ware told reporters through the unzipped mouth slot of his leather face mask, saying that the presence of reporters and photographers would throw off the natural environment of submission, discipline, nipple torture, and sexually charged abuse that currently thrives in all 32 NFL locker rooms. “After the game ends and we return to the locker room to hook ourselves up to the ceiling, the absolute last thing we need is some nosy journalist hanging around watching us drip hot candle wax on each other’s moaning bodies. That’s just how this sport has always been, and the media needs to respect that and keep their distance.” Ware added that any journalists attempting to access the locker room while the players are participating in their usual sadomasochistic activities would have to be taught a lesson.

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