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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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NFL Players Worried Increased Media Scrutiny Could Disrupt Locker Room BDSM Culture

DALLAS—Responding to increased media attention in the wake of allegations of improper, hostile conduct within the Miami Dolphins organization, several NFL players across the league today expressed concerns that the heightened scrutiny could potentially disrupt professional football’s vibrant locker room BDSM culture. “There’s a very delicate team dynamic that exists in the locker room when we all strap on our restraints and engage in hardcore bondage play, and it needs to stay out of the public eye,” a harness-clad DeMarcus Ware told reporters through the unzipped mouth slot of his leather face mask, saying that the presence of reporters and photographers would throw off the natural environment of submission, discipline, nipple torture, and sexually charged abuse that currently thrives in all 32 NFL locker rooms. “After the game ends and we return to the locker room to hook ourselves up to the ceiling, the absolute last thing we need is some nosy journalist hanging around watching us drip hot candle wax on each other’s moaning bodies. That’s just how this sport has always been, and the media needs to respect that and keep their distance.” Ware added that any journalists attempting to access the locker room while the players are participating in their usual sadomasochistic activities would have to be taught a lesson.

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