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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Punters Lobby Congress For More Fakes

WASHINGTON—High-ranking NFL punters met with members of Congress Tuesday to lobby for legislation that would significantly increase the number of fake punts across the league. "Our elected officials must address the lack of opportunities for punters to rush or pass the ball for much needed first downs," Raiders punter Shane Lechler said before the House Ways and Means Committee. "Unfortunately, many teams do not have the confidence to run these trick plays in the most dire of fourth-down situations. You can fix that. If you earmark $10 million for fakes we could drastically improve training, draw up formations that better exploit unsuspecting defenses, and give desperate teams some kind of hope to keep their drives alive." The coalition of NFL punters said they were adamantly opposed to accepting federal funding for fake punts that involved directly snapping the ball to a running back.

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