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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Referee Can’t Believe How Old He Looks In Video Replay

INDIANAPOLIS—Spending several minutes staring incredulously at the monitor in the official review booth, NFL head referee Ron Winter reportedly could not believe how old he looked in a video replay used in a coach’s challenge Sunday. “Jesus, is this what I look like all the time?” Winter said aloud as he watched the footage of himself giving the signal for a completed catch, reportedly zooming in to inspect his deep facial wrinkles that he had never noticed before. “There’s all this skin sagging around my throat, I’ve got these jowls, and where the hell did that stomach come from? I just seem so tired and worn. Oh Christ, look at how slowly I’m hobbling across the field, like some doddering old fool.” According to sources, Winter then closed his eyes and emitted a deep sigh after pausing the replay at the moment his hat flew off.

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