NFL Releases New Study On Dangers Of Concussions In Youth Soccer

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Vol 50 Issue 28

Snowden: NSA Agents Pass Around Nude Photos

In an interview with The Guardian, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden revealed that some U.S. intelligence agents routinely pass around nude photos and other “sexually compromised” images they discover while spying on targets.

Mom $15,000 In The Hole With Ceramic Frog Dealer

Everyone in the Middle East is given their own country in a 317,000,000-state solution, NASA announces plans to launch a chimpanzee into the sun, and a local mom is $15,000 in the hole with her ceramic frog dealer.

Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend.

KKK Recruiting Kids By Handing Out Candy

According to residents of a South Carolina town, the Ku Klux Klan has been attempting to recruit children into its ranks by going to neighborhoods and leaving out bags of candy containing slips of paper with the words “Save Our Land, Join The Klan...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Race Relations

NFL Releases New Study On Dangers Of Concussions In Youth Soccer

NEW YORK—Stressing a responsibility to educate the public on the risks involved with participating in the sport, the NFL released a groundbreaking new study Thursday revealing the high risk of concussions in youth soccer. “As our research confirms, soccer poses an unparalleled threat of serious concussions to young athletes, and the rate of traumatic brain injuries stemming from on-field collisions and other incidents is becoming a very real cause for concern,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters at a morning press conference, citing findings in the league-funded study that confirmed that players as young as 7 frequently suffer concussion symptoms like blurred vision, dizziness, and loss of cognitive function as a direct consequence of their involvement in youth soccer games. “The risks are unfortunately as clear as day. You have young kids running around at top speeds, heading a ball multiple times per game, and wearing virtually no protective equipment at all. It’s no wonder that we’ve now seen countless instances of concussion-related trauma that could have been prevented had the victim never stepped onto the field in the first place. Simply put, no parent should allow his or her child to play this violent, hazardous game.” According to sources, the NFL’s latest study comes on the heels of similar papers issued earlier this year that illustrate the stark dangers inherent in such sports as basketball, baseball, hockey, tennis, volleyball, all track and field events, and golf.

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