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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Releases New Study On Dangers Of Concussions In Youth Soccer

NEW YORK—Stressing a responsibility to educate the public on the risks involved with participating in the sport, the NFL released a groundbreaking new study Thursday revealing the high risk of concussions in youth soccer. “As our research confirms, soccer poses an unparalleled threat of serious concussions to young athletes, and the rate of traumatic brain injuries stemming from on-field collisions and other incidents is becoming a very real cause for concern,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters at a morning press conference, citing findings in the league-funded study that confirmed that players as young as 7 frequently suffer concussion symptoms like blurred vision, dizziness, and loss of cognitive function as a direct consequence of their involvement in youth soccer games. “The risks are unfortunately as clear as day. You have young kids running around at top speeds, heading a ball multiple times per game, and wearing virtually no protective equipment at all. It’s no wonder that we’ve now seen countless instances of concussion-related trauma that could have been prevented had the victim never stepped onto the field in the first place. Simply put, no parent should allow his or her child to play this violent, hazardous game.” According to sources, the NFL’s latest study comes on the heels of similar papers issued earlier this year that illustrate the stark dangers inherent in such sports as basketball, baseball, hockey, tennis, volleyball, all track and field events, and golf.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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