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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Releases New Study On Long-Term Damage Of Concussion Research

NEW YORK—Stressing the need for immediate action to curb the increasingly worrying trend, the NFL released a new study Tuesday highlighting the severe long-term damage caused by concussion research. “While there is already considerable evidence of consequences in the short term, our findings have conclusively shown that the lingering effects of a concussion study are not only incredibly harmful, but can last for months, if not years,” league commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters at a press conference, pointing to an alarming statistic showing that the number of medical research papers on traumatic brain injuries has drastically increased over the past decade, with no signs of slowing down. “Perhaps most troubling is the fact that the lasting impact, much of which is still not yet fully understood, becomes increasingly pronounced and serious with every subsequent concussion study. We simply cannot afford to let this issue persist, and concussion reports are entirely preventable as long as everyone is aware of the significant threats they pose.” While admitting that these new revelations are indeed highly troubling, Goodell did express optimism over similar findings suggesting that the effects of concussion research are at least not necessarily permanent.

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