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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Releases New Study On Long-Term Damage Of Concussion Research

NEW YORK—Stressing the need for immediate action to curb the increasingly worrying trend, the NFL released a new study Tuesday highlighting the severe long-term damage caused by concussion research. “While there is already considerable evidence of consequences in the short term, our findings have conclusively shown that the lingering effects of a concussion study are not only incredibly harmful, but can last for months, if not years,” league commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters at a press conference, pointing to an alarming statistic showing that the number of medical research papers on traumatic brain injuries has drastically increased over the past decade, with no signs of slowing down. “Perhaps most troubling is the fact that the lasting impact, much of which is still not yet fully understood, becomes increasingly pronounced and serious with every subsequent concussion study. We simply cannot afford to let this issue persist, and concussion reports are entirely preventable as long as everyone is aware of the significant threats they pose.” While admitting that these new revelations are indeed highly troubling, Goodell did express optimism over similar findings suggesting that the effects of concussion research are at least not necessarily permanent.

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