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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Researchers Discover New Playoff Scenario In Which Steelers, Bengals Share AFC’s 6th Seed

NEW YORK—After working through thousands of tiebreaker hypotheticals, scientists in the NFL’s research division reported Thursday that they had discovered a previously unknown playoff configuration in which the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers would share the AFC’s sixth seed. “According to our calculations, if Cincinnati and Pittsburgh are tied at the end of the season with identical head-to-head, divisional, and conference records, it would cause both teams to simultaneously occupy the same playoff seed,” said NFL theoretical analyst Dr. Graham Scheer, explaining that under the scenario, the two AFC North rivals would merge into one massive 106-man roster to play against the third seed in the wild card round of the playoffs. “Moreover, if what we are postulating occurs, and if the players are able to overcome their animosity and work together, then there would, in theory, be nothing to prevent the combined Bengals-Steelers squad from making a deep playoff run.” Scheer noted that the only other time a similar situation occurred was in the 1984 season, when the San Francisco 49ers and Los Angeles Rams famously shared the NFC’s first seed, going on to jointly win Super Bowl XIX.

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