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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NFL Researchers Discover New Playoff Scenario In Which Steelers, Bengals Share AFC’s 6th Seed

NEW YORK—After working through thousands of tiebreaker hypotheticals, scientists in the NFL’s research division reported Thursday that they had discovered a previously unknown playoff configuration in which the Cincinnati Bengals and Pittsburgh Steelers would share the AFC’s sixth seed. “According to our calculations, if Cincinnati and Pittsburgh are tied at the end of the season with identical head-to-head, divisional, and conference records, it would cause both teams to simultaneously occupy the same playoff seed,” said NFL theoretical analyst Dr. Graham Scheer, explaining that under the scenario, the two AFC North rivals would merge into one massive 106-man roster to play against the third seed in the wild card round of the playoffs. “Moreover, if what we are postulating occurs, and if the players are able to overcome their animosity and work together, then there would, in theory, be nothing to prevent the combined Bengals-Steelers squad from making a deep playoff run.” Scheer noted that the only other time a similar situation occurred was in the 1984 season, when the San Francisco 49ers and Los Angeles Rams famously shared the NFC’s first seed, going on to jointly win Super Bowl XIX.

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