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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Scouting Combine To Phase Out Subjecting Draft Prospects To Vivisection

INDIANAPOLIS—Noting that the test’s significance has continued to wane ever since its debut in 1987, NFL officials announced Monday that the league’s scouting combine will phase out the process of subjecting draft prospects to vivisection. “While studying the internal organs of top draft prospects has long been one of the most anticipated and discussed elements of the combine, it is increasingly clear that teams no longer place enough value on these results to justify its inclusion in the evaluation process,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, acknowledging that the test faced scrutiny after a string of several high-profile draft prospects failed to have any meaningful impact in the NFL despite impressing scouts with their cardiovascular systems, musculature, and bone strength during the live dissections. “Coaches and general managers have told us that they now see little correlation between such observations as the weight of a player’s lungs and their ability to produce on the field. We have also found that more players than ever before are choosing to forego their vivisection at the combine rather than risk damaging their draft stock, making the decision to eliminate the assessment a fairly easy one.” The NFL also confirmed that, with the termination of the test this year, Mark Sanchez would remain the only player to have achieved a perfect score on his combine vivisection in 2009.

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