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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Scouting Combine To Phase Out Subjecting Draft Prospects To Vivisection

INDIANAPOLIS—Noting that the test’s significance has continued to wane ever since its debut in 1987, NFL officials announced Monday that the league’s scouting combine will phase out the process of subjecting draft prospects to vivisection. “While studying the internal organs of top draft prospects has long been one of the most anticipated and discussed elements of the combine, it is increasingly clear that teams no longer place enough value on these results to justify its inclusion in the evaluation process,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, acknowledging that the test faced scrutiny after a string of several high-profile draft prospects failed to have any meaningful impact in the NFL despite impressing scouts with their cardiovascular systems, musculature, and bone strength during the live dissections. “Coaches and general managers have told us that they now see little correlation between such observations as the weight of a player’s lungs and their ability to produce on the field. We have also found that more players than ever before are choosing to forego their vivisection at the combine rather than risk damaging their draft stock, making the decision to eliminate the assessment a fairly easy one.” The NFL also confirmed that, with the termination of the test this year, Mark Sanchez would remain the only player to have achieved a perfect score on his combine vivisection in 2009.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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