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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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NFL Scouts Impressed By College Quarterback’s Ability To Elude Criminal Justice System

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Agreeing that the young phenom has what it takes to escape responsibility for his actions in the big leagues, a group of NFL scouts confirmed Tuesday that they are incredibly impressed by a local college quarterback’s proven ability to elude the criminal justice system. “From what we’ve seen so far, this guy can maneuver around just about any accusation you throw at him,” said Jacksonville Jaguars director of college scouting Kyle O’Brien, who speculated that the budding signal caller’s unique ability to sidestep serious criminal charges under pressure would lead him to a long, fruitful career of committing heinous crimes and then somehow being exonerated for them on a professional level. “Nothing sticks to him. Even when he’s facing allegations that could do irreparable damage to his reputation and career, he’s the type of natural athlete who is so slippery that he can improbably find a way out. You just normally don’t see that kind of evasiveness in a felon his age.” O’Brien noted that, as has been the case with many successful athletes in the past, the quarterback’s imposing capacity to commit an unspeakable crime and then avoid any kind of consequences whatsoever is only made possible by those around him, including his school’s athletic director, a cooperative state prosecutor, and the media.

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