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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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NFL Scouts Impressed By College Quarterback’s Ability To Elude Criminal Justice System

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Agreeing that the young phenom has what it takes to escape responsibility for his actions in the big leagues, a group of NFL scouts confirmed Tuesday that they are incredibly impressed by a local college quarterback’s proven ability to elude the criminal justice system. “From what we’ve seen so far, this guy can maneuver around just about any accusation you throw at him,” said Jacksonville Jaguars director of college scouting Kyle O’Brien, who speculated that the budding signal caller’s unique ability to sidestep serious criminal charges under pressure would lead him to a long, fruitful career of committing heinous crimes and then somehow being exonerated for them on a professional level. “Nothing sticks to him. Even when he’s facing allegations that could do irreparable damage to his reputation and career, he’s the type of natural athlete who is so slippery that he can improbably find a way out. You just normally don’t see that kind of evasiveness in a felon his age.” O’Brien noted that, as has been the case with many successful athletes in the past, the quarterback’s imposing capacity to commit an unspeakable crime and then avoid any kind of consequences whatsoever is only made possible by those around him, including his school’s athletic director, a cooperative state prosecutor, and the media.

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