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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs

NEW YORK—After noting the respectable performance of Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh and the excellent record of San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, the National Football League announced Tuesday it is actively seeking any and all Harbaughs currently not in use. "If we could find maybe three or four more Harbaughs, we could replace at least one of the Whisenhunts, Turners, and Sparanos we're making do with now," a statement from the league read in part. "The NFL is prepared to offer a hefty finder's fee to anyone able to locate adult male Harbaughs of decent condition who can speak English and identify a regulation football." NFL sources said the only person to answer the inquiry, an Africa-American male who became agitated when asked to produce proof of his Harbaughness, was almost certainly former Minnesota Vikings coach Denny Green in disguise.

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