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NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs

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PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL Searching For Any Unused Harbaughs

NEW YORK—After noting the respectable performance of Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh and the excellent record of San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, the National Football League announced Tuesday it is actively seeking any and all Harbaughs currently not in use. "If we could find maybe three or four more Harbaughs, we could replace at least one of the Whisenhunts, Turners, and Sparanos we're making do with now," a statement from the league read in part. "The NFL is prepared to offer a hefty finder's fee to anyone able to locate adult male Harbaughs of decent condition who can speak English and identify a regulation football." NFL sources said the only person to answer the inquiry, an Africa-American male who became agitated when asked to produce proof of his Harbaughness, was almost certainly former Minnesota Vikings coach Denny Green in disguise.

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