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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Seeks Restraining Order Against Intrusive Adam Schefter

NEW YORK—Claiming that the 46-year-old journalist is “clearly unhinged,” the National Football League has sought a restraining order against ESPN reporter Adam Schefter, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This weirdo is always showing up unannounced and following people around, and the harassment is really getting out of hand,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the proposed legal injunction would prevent Schefter from coming within 100 yards of any team. “He’s totally obsessed—constantly calling, writing these creepy online posts, and asking inappropriate questions about private information. The guy is a total wack-job, and there’s no telling what he could do if this keeps up. Frankly, we fear for our safety and the safety of the entire NFL family.” At press time, authorities had reportedly just arrested Schefter on charges of stalking new 49ers backup quarterback Seneca Wallace after a team practice in Santa Clara, CA.

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