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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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NFL Seeks Restraining Order Against Intrusive Adam Schefter

NEW YORK—Claiming that the 46-year-old journalist is “clearly unhinged,” the National Football League has sought a restraining order against ESPN reporter Adam Schefter, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This weirdo is always showing up unannounced and following people around, and the harassment is really getting out of hand,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the proposed legal injunction would prevent Schefter from coming within 100 yards of any team. “He’s totally obsessed—constantly calling, writing these creepy online posts, and asking inappropriate questions about private information. The guy is a total wack-job, and there’s no telling what he could do if this keeps up. Frankly, we fear for our safety and the safety of the entire NFL family.” At press time, authorities had reportedly just arrested Schefter on charges of stalking new 49ers backup quarterback Seneca Wallace after a team practice in Santa Clara, CA.

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