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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid to injure opponents was, in fact, over. "Phew!" read the press release from the NFL, which was signed by Commissioner Roger Goodell, all 32 team presidents, and the heads of the officiating and rules committees. "That was kind of ugly for a little bit, right? But it's all over and we can go on knowing that nothing like that will ever happen again. Not that anything happened. Who's excited for the draft?" The press release was issued as part of a series of official statements with titles such as "Head Injuries: I Know, Right?" and "Undetectable Performance-Enhancing Drugs—Whaaaat? Shut Up!"

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