adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL: Thank God That Bounty Thing Is Over And All Fixed Now

NEW YORK—In a statement late Friday expressing its heartfelt relief at the passing of what it said was "really not a big deal after all, it turns out," the National Football League thanked God that the issue of defensive players being paid to injure opponents was, in fact, over. "Phew!" read the press release from the NFL, which was signed by Commissioner Roger Goodell, all 32 team presidents, and the heads of the officiating and rules committees. "That was kind of ugly for a little bit, right? But it's all over and we can go on knowing that nothing like that will ever happen again. Not that anything happened. Who's excited for the draft?" The press release was issued as part of a series of official statements with titles such as "Head Injuries: I Know, Right?" and "Undetectable Performance-Enhancing Drugs—Whaaaat? Shut Up!"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close