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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NFL Thankful Northwestern’s Activist Players Will Never Make It To League

NEW YORK—Saying the student-athletes would have definitely become an enormous thorn in their side, officials from the NFL front office expressed their profound relief Tuesday that Northwestern University’s pro-labor activist football players will never make it to the pros. “We’re pretty lucky those kids don’t have the talent to get here, because there’s no way they’d settle for any completely lopsided revenue-sharing terms in a collective bargaining agreement,” said league spokesperson Timothy Gladier, noting that the Wildcats players appear to be well-versed in labor rights and, if they actually found themselves on professional teams, would almost certainly cause a fuss over player safety issues, the rookie pay scale, and retirement benefits. “We’re trying to get an 18-game regular season at some point—you think those guys would just sit back while the NFLPA totally botches negotiations and gets rolled over by team owners? Thankfully there isn’t a chance in hell we’ll ever have to deal with them.” Gladier went on to add that the league is pleased with the large crop of incoming Alabama players who are expected to go along with pretty much anything they do.

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