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NFL Thankful Northwestern’s Activist Players Will Never Make It To League

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL Thankful Northwestern’s Activist Players Will Never Make It To League

NEW YORK—Saying the student-athletes would have definitely become an enormous thorn in their side, officials from the NFL front office expressed their profound relief Tuesday that Northwestern University’s pro-labor activist football players will never make it to the pros. “We’re pretty lucky those kids don’t have the talent to get here, because there’s no way they’d settle for any completely lopsided revenue-sharing terms in a collective bargaining agreement,” said league spokesperson Timothy Gladier, noting that the Wildcats players appear to be well-versed in labor rights and, if they actually found themselves on professional teams, would almost certainly cause a fuss over player safety issues, the rookie pay scale, and retirement benefits. “We’re trying to get an 18-game regular season at some point—you think those guys would just sit back while the NFLPA totally botches negotiations and gets rolled over by team owners? Thankfully there isn’t a chance in hell we’ll ever have to deal with them.” Gladier went on to add that the league is pleased with the large crop of incoming Alabama players who are expected to go along with pretty much anything they do.

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