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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL To Add Second Team In Jacksonville

NEW YORK—Citing the overwhelming success of the Jacksonville Jaguars, NFL officials unveiled plans Tuesday to add a second franchise in Jacksonville by the 2017 season. “Over the last 20 years, we’ve seen that Jacksonville, Florida is a city passionately devoted to professional football,” said league commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that he believes the market in Jacksonville can easily sustain one, if not two or three additional NFL teams. “Obviously, the Jaguars have set a very high bar that would be difficult for a second team to surpass, but if the Jacksonville Pythons were to enjoy even a small fraction of the Jaguars’ popularity, this would be a worthwhile investment.” Officials revealed that to maintain inter-conference balance, the league would also add a team in San Diego, St. Louis, or Tampa Bay.

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