NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

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Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
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NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands. “Offending individuals engaged in elaborate rituals that involve props, choreographed dances, or leaving their feet will face stiff monetary penalties,” said Goodell, adding that every taunt, chant, cardboard sign, and chest bump will be reviewed by the league. “The NFL simply will not tolerate poor sportsmanship, and any spectator committing extreme celebrations, such as collaborating with others to display a cardboard capital “D” and a picket fence, or removing articles of clothing after a touchdown, will receive a $30,000 fine and be ejected from the game.” Goodell also told reporters teams would receive a 15-yard penalty anytime a fan gets out of line by clapping too loudly or shouting complaints about a referee’s call.

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