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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands. “Offending individuals engaged in elaborate rituals that involve props, choreographed dances, or leaving their feet will face stiff monetary penalties,” said Goodell, adding that every taunt, chant, cardboard sign, and chest bump will be reviewed by the league. “The NFL simply will not tolerate poor sportsmanship, and any spectator committing extreme celebrations, such as collaborating with others to display a cardboard capital “D” and a picket fence, or removing articles of clothing after a touchdown, will receive a $30,000 fine and be ejected from the game.” Goodell also told reporters teams would receive a 15-yard penalty anytime a fan gets out of line by clapping too loudly or shouting complaints about a referee’s call.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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