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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NFL To Fine Fans For Excessive Celebrations

NEW YORK—In a controversial decision to crack down on gaudy displays of jubilation, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Wednesday to fine fans thousands of dollars for celebrating excessively in the stands. “Offending individuals engaged in elaborate rituals that involve props, choreographed dances, or leaving their feet will face stiff monetary penalties,” said Goodell, adding that every taunt, chant, cardboard sign, and chest bump will be reviewed by the league. “The NFL simply will not tolerate poor sportsmanship, and any spectator committing extreme celebrations, such as collaborating with others to display a cardboard capital “D” and a picket fence, or removing articles of clothing after a touchdown, will receive a $30,000 fine and be ejected from the game.” Goodell also told reporters teams would receive a 15-yard penalty anytime a fan gets out of line by clapping too loudly or shouting complaints about a referee’s call.

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