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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL To Place Favre's 421st Touchdown Ball, Receiver, Stadium Into Hall Of Fame

MINNEAPOLIS—Mere moments after Brett Favre threw his record-setting 421st touchdown pass, a slant to receiver Greg Jennings in the first quarter of a 23-16 victory against the Minnesota Vikings, the touchdown ball was placed in a locked box, archivists began taking measurements of Jennings, and an architectural firm began planning the dismantling of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, all in an effort to move the objects and people in question to the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, OH. "This is one of the all-time greatest moments in NFL history, and we must preserve as much of it as possible for future generations of fans," said NFL vice president Joe Horrigan while supervising the careful packing of the Vikings secondary against which Favre threw the momentous pass. "I am honored to have been here to see it, especially since that means I'm destined for the Hall of Fame myself." The ball, Jennings, the Metrodome, Horrigan, most of the crowd, and Favre's wife, Deanna and daughter, Brittany will be installed next to Kitrick Taylor, who caught Favre's first NFL touchdown pass in 1992 and has been enshrined in Canton ever since.

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