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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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NFL To Reduce Penalties By Installing Hundreds Of Security Cameras

NEW YORK—In a new effort to deter rule violations and reduce penalty rates across the league, the NFL announced Thursday it would install hundreds of security cameras in stadiums and constantly monitor players during games. “This new surveillance system will effectively prevent penalties, because players know that the moment they step on the football field, we’ll be closely watching them at all times,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that currently referees can’t see every face mask, clipping, or horse-collar tackle that occurs on the field and sidelines, and have been unable to address why players decide to break rules in the first place. “I’m confident the dense placement of security cameras will significantly decrease the number of illegal formations, neutral zone infractions, and equipment violations in the league, creating a safer, more harmonious sport for all. Our video analysis software features an advanced number-recognition program that allows those working in the NFL’s Central Monitoring Center to identify suspects committing personal fouls and impose the proper punishment.” The NFL also announced plans to combat improper off-field conduct by installing cameras inside locker rooms, strip clubs near stadiums, and the homes of players and coaches.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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