NFL To Reduce Penalties By Installing Hundreds Of Security Cameras

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Vol 48 Issue 37

Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now

RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is now just telling people he grew up des...

Mark Carson

Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of fame.

Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman

Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy.

No One Murdered Because Of This Image

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives thr...
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

NFL To Reduce Penalties By Installing Hundreds Of Security Cameras

NEW YORK—In a new effort to deter rule violations and reduce penalty rates across the league, the NFL announced Thursday it would install hundreds of security cameras in stadiums and constantly monitor players during games. “This new surveillance system will effectively prevent penalties, because players know that the moment they step on the football field, we’ll be closely watching them at all times,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that currently referees can’t see every face mask, clipping, or horse-collar tackle that occurs on the field and sidelines, and have been unable to address why players decide to break rules in the first place. “I’m confident the dense placement of security cameras will significantly decrease the number of illegal formations, neutral zone infractions, and equipment violations in the league, creating a safer, more harmonious sport for all. Our video analysis software features an advanced number-recognition program that allows those working in the NFL’s Central Monitoring Center to identify suspects committing personal fouls and impose the proper punishment.” The NFL also announced plans to combat improper off-field conduct by installing cameras inside locker rooms, strip clubs near stadiums, and the homes of players and coaches.

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