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NFL Training-Camp Survivors Too Traumatized To Talk About Experience

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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NFL Training-Camp Survivors Too Traumatized To Talk About Experience

NEW YORK—Although the ever-mounting accumulation of eyewitness testimony from battered, exhausted football players in all 32 NFL cities is vague, imprecise, and inconclusive, investigators say they are positive that, for the past several weeks, the league has been operating a brutal, grueling "camp system" with the full knowledge and consent of the NFL.

"I just don't have any words for the things I've been put through this past month," rookie Buffalo offensive lineman D'Brickashaw Ferguson, who was conscripted, or "drafted," from a serene college campus this spring and ordered to report to a camp in upstate New York by late July. "The things they made us do… They were always screaming, nothing was ever good enough… I… I was always running… There were whistles. Whistles everywhere. I can still hear them."

Although the testimony given by the survivors of these brutal camps differs greatly from player to player in both the exact details and the level of coherence, a telltale pattern of constant physical and mental testing on the part of NFL coaching staffs is beginning to emerge. However, because the players themselves seem unsure exactly what they have been put through, a complete picture may take some time to assemble.

"It seems that these men were forced to endure an unbelievably demanding regimen that would have literally killed lesser men," said Gene Upshaw, the president of the NFL players' union, who plans to issue a formal protest with the league but said it was "too early to tell" from the confused and rambling reports of the exhausted football players whether or not law enforcement would be involved. "As it is, we're seeing damaged joints, broken fingers, pulled and torn muscles, and almost everyone's bruised."

"What the hell was the NFL doing at these 'camps' of theirs?" Upshaw said. "What could make people do this to one another?"

"We were forced to run in place and then throw ourselves on the ground… They made some guys push the coaches around on big sleds, two or three at a time, sometimes as many as seven guys…" said Duke Preston, who was bussed to the same upstate New York-area camp as Ferguson. "They took the running backs and they… They hit them… Hit them with these huge… dummies…The dummies. The sons of bitches. I hate them. God help me, I hate them."

Investigators say that, in addition to the forced physical hardship endured by players, there is growing evidence that the men were also subjected to prolonged and calculated mental and emotional manipulation.

"We've sent people into these camps, and, well, frankly, they were blown away by the enormity of what they saw," said NFL Senior Director of Labor Relations Ed Tighe. "There are huge banners everywhere with mottos and slogans on them—'Pain Is Weakness Leaving The Body,' 'No Pain No Gain,' 'If I Would Achieve I Must Believe,' 'Blood Shed Today Is Blood Saved Sunday.' Not to mention the constant demand of unrealistic, impossible percentages of effort from the men. A truly ugly picture is beginning to form here."

"We never knew what would happen day to day," said Jacksonville cornerback Rashean Mathis. "But everyone knew that some camps were worse than others. You didn't want to go to, say, Redskins camp, for instance. They called [punter Toby] Gowin in one day, said you're going to Washington. And he was, like, no. No, please, I'll get it right, I can do better. But they sent him off and he never… We never saw him again."

"And I was like, better him than me," Mathis said. "I'm so sorry… I got family."

Evidence also suggests that coaches conspired, among their staffs and with one another, to simultaneously erode player unity and increase their obedience to the team ideal.

"Just when we thought it was as bad…as bad as it could get," Preston said, "they—they turned us against one another. Guys we knew. The same guys they made us shower and eat the terrible food with and watch the damn tapes with. We had to…they told us to go out there and beat each other as bad as we could. And God help me, I did it."

"And if we didn't go at each other as hard as we could, the—the coaches… There was this big guy, Aaron Gibson, almost 400 pounds, and he wasn't doing so hot, and… And one day Coach Jauron had enough. And he sent a couple guys over, and they—they cut him. Just cut him, right in front of us, cut him just like that. It was all over for him and all we could do was watch," he continued.

"We knew if we said anything it was us next," Preston added. "I wish there was some way to tell him how sorry I am."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who is still preparing for his inaugural season as head of the league, was reportedly informed of the camps' existence on Monday and has promised a full-scale investigation.

"I assure you that I don't yet know why these things were done to these men, but I mean to find out," Goodell said. "I promise you, on opening weekend we'll all find out exactly why these camps were built. And I think I speak for football fans everywhere when I say it had better be worth it."

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