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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFLPA Received Numerous Complaints From Free Agents Harassed By Cleveland Browns

WASHINGTON—Expressing their growing concern after being inundated with grievances throughout the past week, officials from the NFL Players Association confirmed Monday that they have received multiple complaints from free agents being harassed by the Cleveland Browns front office. “We’ve unfortunately heard from a host of free agents around the league who have been forced to deal with continuous unwanted and, frankly, pretty aggressive overtures from Browns front office executives and coaches,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith, adding that allegations against the Browns organization include calling potential free agent signings at all times of night, leaving long, rambling messages on their voicemails, and mailing them numerous Browns jerseys already stitched with their name and number. “Several players have independently complained that Browns officials are constantly sending them text messages offering to fly them out to Cleveland and treat them to expensive dinners and a few nights on the town. They evidently just won’t take no for an answer.” At press time, Smith had received a phone call from a distressed free agent claiming that Browns general manager Ray Farmer has been standing on his doorstep holding a contract offer for the past four hours and has refused to leave.

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