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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NHL Admits Slam-Dunk-Contest Portion Of All-Star Skills Competition A Mistake

DALLAS—Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters Tuesday night that the addition of the first-ever slam-dunk contest to the NHL All-Star skills competition may have been "a big mistake." "Unfortunately, Jonathan Cheechoo severely injured his back and neck attempting his 360-degree, between-the-legs slam, and Sheldon Souray sliced Ryan Miller's back with his skate blade when he tried to hurdle over him to complete his dunk," said Bettman, who was initially angered when some of the biggest names in the NHL, notably Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, chose not to participate. "Joe Thornton is out for the season with multiple facial lacerations after his stick shattered the backboard, and Marian Hossa may have ended his career when he tried, and failed, to dunk from the blue line." According to Bettman, the most disappointing part of the dunk contest is that 5'10' Paul Kariya took 20 minutes to complete his rather marginal dunk and probably won the contest only because he was the shortest participant.

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