OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NHL Commemorates 25th Anniversary Of First Ice Game

NEW YORK—Celebrating one of the major turning points in the league’s long, storied history, the NHL commemorated the 25th anniversary of its first ice game Tuesday. “Twenty-five years ago, the idea of playing a game on ice was little more than a fun experiment to add some excitement to the season, and no one could have ever imagined it would take off like it did,” said NHL spokesperson Patrick Barnard, recalling the March 28, 1992 contest between the Montreal Canadiens and Pittsburgh Penguins played on a freshly frozen rink at the Civic Arena in front of a sellout crowd of 16,900 fans. “There was some initial resistance from the more conservative owners, but after that first game on ice proved to be such a huge hit with the fans, it became immediately clear the league had something special on its hands. By the end of the ’90s, most NHL teams were playing on ice, and it completely changed the way we think of hockey.” Barnard also expressed regret that no footage of the pre-ice era was preserved for posterity, as the NHL did not begin broadcasting games on television until 2011.

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