Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NHL Commemorates 25th Anniversary Of First Ice Game

NEW YORK—Celebrating one of the major turning points in the league’s long, storied history, the NHL commemorated the 25th anniversary of its first ice game Tuesday. “Twenty-five years ago, the idea of playing a game on ice was little more than a fun experiment to add some excitement to the season, and no one could have ever imagined it would take off like it did,” said NHL spokesperson Patrick Barnard, recalling the March 28, 1992 contest between the Montreal Canadiens and Pittsburgh Penguins played on a freshly frozen rink at the Civic Arena in front of a sellout crowd of 16,900 fans. “There was some initial resistance from the more conservative owners, but after that first game on ice proved to be such a huge hit with the fans, it became immediately clear the league had something special on its hands. By the end of the ’90s, most NHL teams were playing on ice, and it completely changed the way we think of hockey.” Barnard also expressed regret that no footage of the pre-ice era was preserved for posterity, as the NHL did not begin broadcasting games on television until 2011.

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