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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NHL Fines Ozzie Guillen Just To See If He'll Pay

CHICAGO—Following the latest outburst from the much-sanctioned White Sox manager, officials from the National Hockey League fined Ozzie Guillen $25,000 Monday in order to see if he would pay. "We saw that he had taken a few jabs at his critics before the Blue Jays game and we decided, well, what the heck?" said NHL chief disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan, adding that the league knew it was a long shot but decided it couldn’t hurt to try. "We need the money, and if he doesn't pay, we lose nothing. Plus, come on, he totally deserves it." When reached for comment, Guillen said he would pay the fine, as he cannot afford to be suspended by the NHL during the Stanley Cup finals.

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