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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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NHL Gives Kings List Of Things Stanley Cup Is Allergic To

LOS ANGELES—Moments after the Kings took turns hoisting the Stanley Cup in celebration of their championship victory Monday, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman gave the team instructions on caring for the trophy and distributed a six-page, stapled document listing everything it's allergic to. "First off: I know you guys are really excited, but no latex," Bettman told Kings captain Dustin Brown, puffing his cheeks and gesturing with his arms away from his sides to demonstrate how the trophy swells up. "And absolutely no gluten. Seriously, don't even breathe on the Cup if you've just eaten pasta, let alone kiss it. Damn thing will be covered in hives for days." Bettman also had every member of the squad practice injecting the Stanley Cup with its EpiPen, instructing the Kings to put the needle through the ring section listing the 1974 champion Philadelphia Flyers, which is already riddled in scar tissue anyway.

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