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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NHL Giving It Another Try Despite Advice Of Friends, Family

NEW YORK—Despite hints, suggestions, and outright pleas from its friends and family members to "stop embarrassing [themselves]," National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that NHL players, team management, and league officials will in fact go through with their plans to attempt the 2007-08 season. "I understand that playing hockey is what they love to do, but at some point they have to ask themselves if all the time, energy, and money they're spending is really worth it," Bettman's wife Shelli told reporters, adding that the NHL has been "going at it" for 90 years and doesn't seem any closer to entering the mainstream now than when it started. "I just don't want to see anyone have their feelings hurt any more, is all." According to Bettman, her husband has promised that if things don't turn around for professional hockey this year, he and the rest of his league would give something else a try.

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