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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NHL Hall Of Fame Class Of 2007 Vows To Stay In Touch Following Ceremony

TORONTO—Immediately following the ceremony celebrating their induction into the National Hockey League Hall of Fame, class of 2007 inductees Mark Messier, Scott Stevens, Ron Francis, and Al MacInnis spent a bittersweet hour in the Hall parking lot discussing fond memories of their time together, exchanging Instant Messenger screen names and e-mail addresses, and repeating earnest promises to stay in touch with one another. "Aw, you guys…What a crazy, crazy career we've had together. There's no way the people I'll meet in retirement will be as fun as you guys," Scott Stevens said in the silence that followed after he and Messier recalled their old inside joke about goalie Mike Richter living in an igloo. "I only wish we had a couple more games together. Just promise me you guys will never change." When Ron Francis let Mark Messier know that he would probably be in New York sometime in February, so the two of them should definitely get together, Messier replied, "Definitely."

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