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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NHL, NASCAR To Punish Carl Edwards For Hit On Bruins' Marc Savard

BOSTON—NASCAR and the National Hockey League announced Wednesday they would punish Sprint Cup driver Carl Edwards for hitting Boston center Marc Savard with his No. 99 Ford Fusion stock car late in the third period of Sunday's Penguins-Bruins game, an action that inflicted a Grade 2 concussion and ended Savard's season. "NASCAR may have announced earlier this season that they would let the drivers drive, but when Carl drove out to the blue line and plowed into Marc's blind side, it was clearly the exact sort of cheap shot the NHL is trying to prevent," NHL disciplinarian Colin Campbell said during a joint press conference with NASCAR vice president of competition Robin Pemberton. "We have no choice but to suspend Mr. Edwards for the next three races and the remainder of the NHL regular season." The Bruins would not comment on whether they would send quick-fisted team enforcer Shawn Thornton out to retaliate during the Samsung 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.

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