adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

NHL Needs To Raise $5,000 In 24 Hours If It Wants To Hold Stanley Cup Finals

NEW YORK—NHL accountant Stuart Peterson informed commissioner Gary Bettman early Friday that the cash-strapped league desperately needed to raise $5,000 in the next 24 hours if it still wanted to have the Stanley Cup Finals. "We can probably get something for all this used hockey equipment, and I bet that signed Mario Lemieux jersey could bring in a hundred bucks or so," said Bettman, who sold plasma to three separate blood banks and started a dog-walking business last week to make some quick cash. "Maybe we can get Wayne Gretzky to whip up a batch of his famous double-fudge brownies for the bake sale." Bettman said he was increasingly confident that the NHL would be able to raise the money, adding that he just received a call from someone willing to pay $500 for the Stanley Cup trophy.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close