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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NHL Needs To Raise $5,000 In 24 Hours If It Wants To Hold Stanley Cup Finals

NEW YORK—NHL accountant Stuart Peterson informed commissioner Gary Bettman early Friday that the cash-strapped league desperately needed to raise $5,000 in the next 24 hours if it still wanted to have the Stanley Cup Finals. "We can probably get something for all this used hockey equipment, and I bet that signed Mario Lemieux jersey could bring in a hundred bucks or so," said Bettman, who sold plasma to three separate blood banks and started a dog-walking business last week to make some quick cash. "Maybe we can get Wayne Gretzky to whip up a batch of his famous double-fudge brownies for the bake sale." Bettman said he was increasingly confident that the NHL would be able to raise the money, adding that he just received a call from someone willing to pay $500 for the Stanley Cup trophy.

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