NHL Not Quite Sure Why It Has A Preseason

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Vol 47 Issue 40

Apple User Acting Like His Dad Just Died

BOSTON—Calling the death a “tragic loss” and saying he was “truly devastated by the news,” self-described Apple product loyalist Eric Cavanaugh is treating the passing of the company’s former CEO Steve Jobs as if his fucking dad just died, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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NHL Not Quite Sure Why It Has A Preseason

NEW YORK—With the NHL preseason heading toward its conclusion, players, coaches, and managers wondered aloud Monday why they were even bothering with exhibition games. "Don't we have eight months of games to play to get the rust knocked off?" Commissioner Gary Bettman said. "It’s not like any of these games are any good until the playoffs, anyway." An official statement from the league office declared, in part, that the exasperation with the preseason had nothing to do with the total October attendance figure of 137.

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