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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NHL Offers Will Ferrell $350 To Do Movie About Hockey

NEW YORK—National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has offered actor/comedian Will Ferrell $350 to write, direct, and star in a sports comedy about the game of hockey. "We deliberated long and hard about spending our entire promotions budget on a single venture, but I think investing in Mr. Ferrell is a wise choice," Bettman told reporters, adding that an 80-minute Will Ferrell hockey movie can give the league more visibility than an 82-game season ever could. "If Mr. Ferrell chooses to take on this project, he will have complete creative control and all the league's resources at his disposal—zambonis, hockey sticks, Wayne Gretzky—whatever he needs to make a funny movie about hockey. The movie doesn't even necessarily have to be about hockey, just so long as there is some hockey in it." Former Saturday Night Live cast member Ferrell reportedly made $20 million for his last film.

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