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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NHL Offers Will Ferrell $350 To Do Movie About Hockey

NEW YORK—National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has offered actor/comedian Will Ferrell $350 to write, direct, and star in a sports comedy about the game of hockey. "We deliberated long and hard about spending our entire promotions budget on a single venture, but I think investing in Mr. Ferrell is a wise choice," Bettman told reporters, adding that an 80-minute Will Ferrell hockey movie can give the league more visibility than an 82-game season ever could. "If Mr. Ferrell chooses to take on this project, he will have complete creative control and all the league's resources at his disposal—zambonis, hockey sticks, Wayne Gretzky—whatever he needs to make a funny movie about hockey. The movie doesn't even necessarily have to be about hockey, just so long as there is some hockey in it." Former Saturday Night Live cast member Ferrell reportedly made $20 million for his last film.

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