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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NHL Offers Will Ferrell $350 To Do Movie About Hockey

NEW YORK—National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday that the NHL has offered actor/comedian Will Ferrell $350 to write, direct, and star in a sports comedy about the game of hockey. "We deliberated long and hard about spending our entire promotions budget on a single venture, but I think investing in Mr. Ferrell is a wise choice," Bettman told reporters, adding that an 80-minute Will Ferrell hockey movie can give the league more visibility than an 82-game season ever could. "If Mr. Ferrell chooses to take on this project, he will have complete creative control and all the league's resources at his disposal—zambonis, hockey sticks, Wayne Gretzky—whatever he needs to make a funny movie about hockey. The movie doesn't even necessarily have to be about hockey, just so long as there is some hockey in it." Former Saturday Night Live cast member Ferrell reportedly made $20 million for his last film.

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