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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NHL Players Admit They Have No Idea How Line Changes Work

NEW YORK—Claiming that there is ostensibly no rhyme or reason to the sport's frequent in-game substitutions, players from across the NHL admitted Wednesday that they have absolutely no idea how line changes work. “Honestly, most of the time I just try to jump onto the ice whenever I can, and then I’ll come back to the bench when I get tired,” said Chicago Blackhawks center Jonathan Toews, adding that the changes are especially confusing following icing calls, when “some guys are allowed to change but other guys aren’t.” “I know certain players are supposed to go out at specific times and in ‘shifts’ or whatever, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you who, when, or why. Like when we’re on a power play, there are certain guys who are supposed to play, but then if the other team is on a power play, a whole different set of guys go out. And most of the time we have to sub in and out while the game is still going on. It’s just chaos.” A majority of players also confirmed they would much prefer having some kind of buzzer sewn into their uniforms to alert them when it’s their turn to take the ice.

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