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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NHL Players Admit They Have No Idea How Line Changes Work

NEW YORK—Claiming that there is ostensibly no rhyme or reason to the sport's frequent in-game substitutions, players from across the NHL admitted Wednesday that they have absolutely no idea how line changes work. “Honestly, most of the time I just try to jump onto the ice whenever I can, and then I’ll come back to the bench when I get tired,” said Chicago Blackhawks center Jonathan Toews, adding that the changes are especially confusing following icing calls, when “some guys are allowed to change but other guys aren’t.” “I know certain players are supposed to go out at specific times and in ‘shifts’ or whatever, but I couldn’t even begin to tell you who, when, or why. Like when we’re on a power play, there are certain guys who are supposed to play, but then if the other team is on a power play, a whole different set of guys go out. And most of the time we have to sub in and out while the game is still going on. It’s just chaos.” A majority of players also confirmed they would much prefer having some kind of buzzer sewn into their uniforms to alert them when it’s their turn to take the ice.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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