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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NHL Ref Likes It When He Gets To Jump Over Puck

CHICAGO—Fifteen-year veteran NHL official Michael Lussenhop confirmed in an interview Sunday that the most satisfying part of his job is when he's backed into a corner and has to grab the boards to leap over the puck to keep from interfering with the game. "Compared with the typical routine of just skating around, it's a nice little treat," said Lussenhop, who added that he never makes the hop too fancy, but simply makes sure he "gets over the puck and lands safely." "The other refs always bust my chops afterward: 'Hey, saw you got to jump over the puck today.' It's all in good fun. We have a good time." Lussenhop went on to explain that every ref's second favorite part of the job is getting to put the goal back into place when it comes loose, while their least favorite is dropping the puck during "stupid, boring face-offs."

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