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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NHL Simply Not Going To Bother Reaching Out To Hispanics

NEW YORK—Though other professional sports leagues have made concerted efforts to attract new fans in the emerging demographic, the NHL is just not even going to try to reach out to Hispanics, league officials said Monday. "Truthfully, at this point it's not even worth it; I have enough on my plate right now just trying to get youth hockey leagues to accept half-price tickets to these games," Commissioner Gary Bettman said. "I'm not going to tell Hispanics or Latinos they can't come, but we have a lot more to worry about than looking up the Spanish word for 'Penguins' or painting the puck the colors of the Mexican flag for Cinco de Mayo." Bettman added that before the league even thinks about such outreach programs, it has to figure out why, despite its best efforts, North American white people still haven't embraced the sport.

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