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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NHL Simply Not Going To Bother Reaching Out To Hispanics

NEW YORK—Though other professional sports leagues have made concerted efforts to attract new fans in the emerging demographic, the NHL is just not even going to try to reach out to Hispanics, league officials said Monday. "Truthfully, at this point it's not even worth it; I have enough on my plate right now just trying to get youth hockey leagues to accept half-price tickets to these games," Commissioner Gary Bettman said. "I'm not going to tell Hispanics or Latinos they can't come, but we have a lot more to worry about than looking up the Spanish word for 'Penguins' or painting the puck the colors of the Mexican flag for Cinco de Mayo." Bettman added that before the league even thinks about such outreach programs, it has to figure out why, despite its best efforts, North American white people still haven't embraced the sport.

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