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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NHL: Toothless Players Gumming On Each Other's Fingers Is Harmless

NEW YORK—In response to critics calling on the NHL to suspend Canucks forward Alex Burrows for biting an opponent’s finger during the Stanley Cup Finals, league officials released a statement Tuesday saying that toothless hockey players gumming on one another is harmless and to be expected. “[Burrows] is going through a phase where his mouth is really hurting him, so it’s completely understandable that he would gum down on a competitor’s finger to get some relief,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, adding that most hockey players begin gumming on fellow competitors’ hands four to six months into the season. “Most of the time they’re not even angry when they do it. They’re just looking to explore. It’s actually kind of cute.” Bettman went on to say that the NHL “cares deeply” about athlete safety, and always makes sure not to leave any small objects around the ice that players could put into their mouths and choke on.

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