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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NHL Tries To Pass Off Commercial Flight As Flyover For Winter Classic

PHILADELPHIA—Seizing the opportunity given them when a United Airlines 737 passed over Citizens Bank Park during the opening festivities of Monday's Winter Classic, NHL officials attempted to convince the 46,967 fans in attendance that flight 2734 to Fort Lauderdale was in fact the game's ceremonial flyover. "Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and remove your hats for the men and women of American flying," the announcer told fans, who squinted up at the passenger jet as it began banking south—the first of several dozen that flew the exact same path over the course of the game. "Truly a sight to be seen. Now, let's play some hockey!" The NHL has refused comment on the performance of the national anthem, which many in attendance claimed was lip-synced by a wildly gesturing woman in a Patti LaBelle mask.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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