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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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‘Nice To Meet You,’ Coworkers Tell New Employee They’ve Studied Online For Hours

DICKINSON, ND—Saying that it was a pleasure to finally make his acquaintance, employees of local consulting firm Montevista Solutions introduced themselves Monday morning to new sales representative Brandon Whitley, a man whom they had all spent numerous hours studying online in recent days. “Hi, you must be Brandon; it’s really nice to meet you,” said associate consultant Sarah Rodriguez, one of many Montevista employees who spent last night scouring Google search results for Whitley’s name, clicking through every one of his Facebook photos, and closely reading 70 of his most recent tweets. “It’s really great to finally put a face to the name. Anyway, just let any of us know if you need anything.” At press time, Whitley was being introduced to account manager David Carpenter, who accidentally mentioned Whitley’s trip to Maui with his wife Melissa before ever being told about it.

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