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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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‘Nice To Meet You,’ Coworkers Tell New Employee They’ve Studied Online For Hours

DICKINSON, ND—Saying that it was a pleasure to finally make his acquaintance, employees of local consulting firm Montevista Solutions introduced themselves Monday morning to new sales representative Brandon Whitley, a man whom they had all spent numerous hours studying online in recent days. “Hi, you must be Brandon; it’s really nice to meet you,” said associate consultant Sarah Rodriguez, one of many Montevista employees who spent last night scouring Google search results for Whitley’s name, clicking through every one of his Facebook photos, and closely reading 70 of his most recent tweets. “It’s really great to finally put a face to the name. Anyway, just let any of us know if you need anything.” At press time, Whitley was being introduced to account manager David Carpenter, who accidentally mentioned Whitley’s trip to Maui with his wife Melissa before ever being told about it.

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