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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Nick Jr. Suspends Production On 'The Almighty Muhammad's Porkalicious Toon Jihad'

LOS ANGELES—Responding to the ongoing protests from millions of Muslims over the depictions of the Prophet Muhammad, American television channel Nick Jr. announced today it was suspending production on its forthcoming children’s program The Almighty Muhammad’s Porkalicious Toon Jihad.

The half-hour animated television show, which centers around the wacky Jihadist adventures of the Islamic prophet and his mischievous pig friend Abrahammy, was slated to begin airing this October.

“At this time, our company believes it is best to temporarily remove The Almighty Muhammad’s Porkalicious Toon Jihad from Nick Jr.’s fall programming schedule,” Viacom executive Todd Coates said. “While we still believe that thousands of young viewers would really enjoy seeing Muhammad go on his weekly pilgrimages to his big bacon mosque with his rabbi friends Hershel and Moishe, our company nonetheless believes it’s best to indefinitely postpone the show’s release.”

“This isn’t to say Porkalicious Toon Jihad will never see the light of day,” Coates added. “Hopefully, when the international climate is slightly less volatile, children will be able to enjoy all of Muhammad’s hijinks, especially in the episode ‘Weeee! Muhammad,’ in which he takes his yearly hajj to Mecca Land by sliding down the Magical Chute of Greasy Bacon Fat.”

Members of the show’s staff told reporters that the surprise cancellation comes just as they had completed 12 out of the show’s 24 episodes, including a very special Eid-ul-Fitr Porktacular, in which the prophet learns to get along with his infidel enemies after they teach him how to truly enjoy the beach by surfing on a Quran.

Showrunners also regretted that children would not be introduced to the program’s beloved character Allah, who in the cartoon is portrayed as Muhammad’s attractive cool babysitter, whom the young prophet is constantly trying to impress.

“The show might sound a little controversial, but I think after watching it people will get that ‘Porkalicious Toon Jihad’ is just a big fun time,” show creator Matt Radnor told reporters. “Personally, I think the episode where Muhammad and Allah learn to work with Satan to pull off the Medina Town Fair is quite uplifting.”

At press time, Mattel announced it had also halted production on thousands of the Almighty Muhammad promotional items, including clothes, lunch boxes, and a kit that would allow children to dress up a plastic figurine Muhammad in more than 17 different types of pig-based accessories.

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