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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Nickname To Forever Prevent People From Getting To Know The Real Dumptruck

BLAIRSVILLE, GA—Having been saddled with the nickname for years, a 27-year-old man known to his friends as "Dumptruck" told reporters Tuesday that he fears people will never get to know the real him. "There's a lot more to me than anyone realizes," said Dumptruck, who is also called Dumpy, Dumps, D.T., and Deets for short. "I have a rooftop herb garden, I volunteer as a math tutor, and I love classical music. But none of that is what comes to mind when people think of me." At press time, sources said to check out that shirt the Big Dumper was wearing.

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