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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Nickname To Forever Prevent People From Getting To Know The Real Dumptruck

BLAIRSVILLE, GA—Having been saddled with the nickname for years, a 27-year-old man known to his friends as "Dumptruck" told reporters Tuesday that he fears people will never get to know the real him. "There's a lot more to me than anyone realizes," said Dumptruck, who is also called Dumpy, Dumps, D.T., and Deets for short. "I have a rooftop herb garden, I volunteer as a math tutor, and I love classical music. But none of that is what comes to mind when people think of me." At press time, sources said to check out that shirt the Big Dumper was wearing.

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