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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Night Of Watching Game Show Network Leaves Man Concerned About Life Insurance

BRIDGEWATER, IA—Shortly after watching back-to-back episodes of Love Connection, The Newlywed Game, and Lingo Monday night, local resident Fred Grossman, 26, began suddenly to worry about finding the life insurance policy that is right for him. "Who is going to care for my loved ones when I am gone?" said the unemployed, unmarried Grossman, who also thinks he may have an enlarged prostate, and is wondering why he's been picking up his pet medication at the vet when he could have it delivered right to his door for just a small monthly fee. "Isn't it about time I gave my family the peace of mind they deserve?" The following afternoon, after sitting through a three-hour block of daytime talk shows, Grossman announced an abrupt decision to pursue an exciting career in either criminal justice or air conditioning and refrigeration repair.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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