MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nike Introduces New Line Of Sauce-Wicking Competitive Eating Apparel

BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday. “Our new polypropylene blend is specially designed to boost performance by absorbing barbecue sauce, blue cheese, ranch, and all manner of drippings to completely eliminate condiment-related discomfort during competitive eating events,” said Nike spokesperson Martin Greaves, adding that the line of T-shirts, shorts, and lightweight jackets swiftly remove excess gravy and jus nearly seven times faster than a crumpled napkin or corner of a tablecloth. “Whether you’re downing ribs during a friendly backyard contest or inhaling chicken wings at the elite level, our sauce-wicking apparel is there at every turn to ensure you are never slowed down by globs of sauce landing on your arms and chest. With our clothing, you will now have the edge to choke down that extra marina-drenched meatball for the win.” Greaves added that the company is also developing a line of extra-thick elbow pads for eaters to use while supporting their heaving, bloated bodies against the table.

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