adBlockCheck

Nike To Cease Manufacturing Products:

Top Headlines

Business

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nike To Cease Manufacturing Products:

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing artistic restlessness and a desire to "focus exclusively on what we do best," the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of stunning, state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Once free from the distractions of making products, Nike plans to focus on creating the coolest ads ever.

"The last few years, it just became impossible to maintain our high standards of advertising while faced with the daily distractions of making sneakers," said Phil Knight, Nike founder and CEO. "By discontinuing our entire product line, we will be in position to ensure that Nike remains the world leader in the field of incredibly cool television commercials well into the 21st century."

Nearly 95 percent of Nike's 6,800 employees were laid off following Monday's announcement, with only those in the company's advertising and promotions divisions keeping their jobs.

Knight said he will offer the fired employees' combined salary of $210 million to basketball superstar and Reebok pitchman Shaquille O'Neal, the most prominent athlete not currently under contract with Nike. If necessary, Knight said, the shoe company will terminate long-distance runner Joan Benoit-Samuelson's $30,000 annual contract and add it to the O'Neal offer.

"Basically, we feel that there are a lot more important things in this life than selling shoes," Knight said. "When a Nike commercial ends, and that Nike swoosh dramatically appears on your TV screen, it means a lot more than 'Just Buy It.' It means 'Live Your Dreams.' It means, 'Make It Happen, Children Of The Earth... Find The Courage To Go Out And Make The Most Out Of Life.' I don't want that beautiful message of hope and inspiration tarnished by crass commercialism."

Nike's next project will be a 17-minute, $200 million spot scheduled to air during halftime of Super Bowl XXXII in January 1998. The commercial, which is being touted as "the most killer commercial of all time" by Nike officials, will advertise the imaginary new Air Gravitas basketball shoe.

The spot, set in deep outer space, will feature Warner Bros. cartoon favorite Wile E. Coyote, supermodel Naomi Campbell, and box-office mega-star Bruce Willis, as well as "kitschy" cameos by 1960s television icons Adam "Batman" West and Barbara "I Dream Of Jeannie" Eden. The digital effects and hyper-realistic alien space-battle sequences in the new ad are said to represent major breakthroughs in special-effects magic, requiring the construction of a Nike supercomputer and over 35 kilotons of pyrotechnic explosives.

In the ad's climactic finale, Knight said, the nation of Iceland will actually be destroyed.

"In the past, with so much of our budget going toward things like research and development, and employee salaries, a project like this would not have been feasible," Knight said. "Now, from a financial standpoint, our ability to inspire the world's athletes through a barrage of arresting visual images and high-volume rock music is almost limitless."

Nike spokespersons are confident the new ad will be the finest the company has ever produced. "Let's just say that, if the Air Gravitas actually existed, everybody in the world would want a pair after seeing this commercial," Nike director of corporate communications Dwight Haselrig said. "If we were actually selling the Air Gravitas, it would go down as the best-marketed and best-loved athletic shoe in history."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close