Nike To Cease Manufacturing Products:

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Vol 32 Issue 12

Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains police chief Raymond Zorn said, "obviously needed to relax.” Failure to chill out, Zorn said, is the number one reason over three million pairs of panties become bunched in the U.S. each year. Zorn said it is still too early to tell if there is a connection between the panty-bunching incident and Friday’s discovery of a pair of Atlanta-area undies in a bundle.

Charlton Heston Gets Serious

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a four-hour Biblical epic to air on TNT. "I have spent my entire career doing pratfalls and mugging for the camera," Heston said. "Now I intend to wipe the smirk off my face and take on a serious, dramatic role." In the TNT drama, titled The Holy Bible, Heston will play the Biblical character Moses. Asked if he expects the transition from comedy to drama to be difficult, Heston said: "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty apes!"

Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very Special Prosecutor to the ongoing White House fundraising investigation Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh, and is always smiling," U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN) said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I’m a special boy!" He then accidentally signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Thompson quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he’ll be trying very hard. And that’s what’s important."

Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than two times the legal limit—at the time of his fatal airplane crash into Monterey Bay on Oct. 12. "Our autopsy discovered a substantial quantity of sunshine on and around Mr. Denver’s shoulders, more than enough to make him high," Monterey County chief coroner Richard Bozell said. "It is my opinion that it would be difficult for even the most experienced pilot to safely operate an aircraft while high on that much sunshine." Denver, who battled sunshine addiction throughout his career, was 53.

Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by himself as a hero this week. "What I did was incredibly brave," said Koonce, who descended all the way down the three-foot-wide well to recover eight-month-old Midland resident Melissa Sims. "In selflessly risking my own life to rescue little Melissa, I am an inspiration to those around me and proof that heroes do exist," he said. Koonce noted that once the girl was recovered, he performed rescue breathing on her, reviving her from a semi-conscious state. "I saved this child," he said. "I am Yahweh, Giver Of Life."

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Nike To Cease Manufacturing Products:

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing artistic restlessness and a desire to "focus exclusively on what we do best," the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of stunning, state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Once free from the distractions of making products, Nike plans to focus on creating the coolest ads ever.

"The last few years, it just became impossible to maintain our high standards of advertising while faced with the daily distractions of making sneakers," said Phil Knight, Nike founder and CEO. "By discontinuing our entire product line, we will be in position to ensure that Nike remains the world leader in the field of incredibly cool television commercials well into the 21st century."

Nearly 95 percent of Nike's 6,800 employees were laid off following Monday's announcement, with only those in the company's advertising and promotions divisions keeping their jobs.

Knight said he will offer the fired employees' combined salary of $210 million to basketball superstar and Reebok pitchman Shaquille O'Neal, the most prominent athlete not currently under contract with Nike. If necessary, Knight said, the shoe company will terminate long-distance runner Joan Benoit-Samuelson's $30,000 annual contract and add it to the O'Neal offer.

"Basically, we feel that there are a lot more important things in this life than selling shoes," Knight said. "When a Nike commercial ends, and that Nike swoosh dramatically appears on your TV screen, it means a lot more than 'Just Buy It.' It means 'Live Your Dreams.' It means, 'Make It Happen, Children Of The Earth... Find The Courage To Go Out And Make The Most Out Of Life.' I don't want that beautiful message of hope and inspiration tarnished by crass commercialism."

Nike's next project will be a 17-minute, $200 million spot scheduled to air during halftime of Super Bowl XXXII in January 1998. The commercial, which is being touted as "the most killer commercial of all time" by Nike officials, will advertise the imaginary new Air Gravitas basketball shoe.

The spot, set in deep outer space, will feature Warner Bros. cartoon favorite Wile E. Coyote, supermodel Naomi Campbell, and box-office mega-star Bruce Willis, as well as "kitschy" cameos by 1960s television icons Adam "Batman" West and Barbara "I Dream Of Jeannie" Eden. The digital effects and hyper-realistic alien space-battle sequences in the new ad are said to represent major breakthroughs in special-effects magic, requiring the construction of a Nike supercomputer and over 35 kilotons of pyrotechnic explosives.

In the ad's climactic finale, Knight said, the nation of Iceland will actually be destroyed.

"In the past, with so much of our budget going toward things like research and development, and employee salaries, a project like this would not have been feasible," Knight said. "Now, from a financial standpoint, our ability to inspire the world's athletes through a barrage of arresting visual images and high-volume rock music is almost limitless."

Nike spokespersons are confident the new ad will be the finest the company has ever produced. "Let's just say that, if the Air Gravitas actually existed, everybody in the world would want a pair after seeing this commercial," Nike director of corporate communications Dwight Haselrig said. "If we were actually selling the Air Gravitas, it would go down as the best-marketed and best-loved athletic shoe in history."

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