Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

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Vol 30 Issue 05

Instant Gratification Sped Up

WASHINGTON, DC—Bowing to the demands of the American people, U.S. officials sped up instant gratification yesterday, making wish fulfillment more immediate than ever before. "Although gratification has been instant ever since the early '70s in this country," said William Lawson, chair of the National Gratification Investigatory Committee, "many Americans were still complaining it just wasn't fast enough." According to Lawson, from now on, gratification will actually be faster than instantaneous, occuring some .002 milliseconds before desire is even felt.

Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

OXFORD, MS—According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures' 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into noted fiction writer John Grisham. The story of a blind boy who hears a racially charged murder take place in a Washington, DC coffee shop, The Witness will become a six-foot-one, 190-pound, best-selling lawyer-turned-author with a penchant for writing gripping page-turners set in the legal world. "We believe this recent box-office smash will make a great Oxford, Mississippi-based author," said David Rudner, Columbia Pictures' spokesperson. "The gripping dialogue and nail-biting trial scenes should have people who meet Grisham on the edge of their seats." The Witness: The Human Being is due out in July of '97.

Area Panties In A Bunch

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to police, a pair of area panties was discovered yesterday all wound up in a bunch and badly in need of some loosening. "Whoever owned these panties," Cross Plains Police Chief Jonathan Norcross said, "obviously needed to relax. Failure to chill out is the number one reason so many panties get bunched in this country each year." Though the panties investigation is still pending, Norcross denied rumors of a connection between yesterday's incident and a pair of Atlanta-area undies discovered last Sunday in a bundle.

Jews To Celebrate Rosh Hashasha Or Something

JERUSALEM—Jews the world over are preparing to celebrate Rosh Hashanukah or something this weekend, the traditional Jewish holiday marking some sort of rebirth and new beginning, or maybe the Jews' liberation from some foreign ruler 55,000 years ago. "Rash Kishansha is a very holy time for the Jewish people," said Paul Castellano, a guy from Houston whose gastroenterologist is Jewish. "I think Dr. Futterman said it's the holiday where they light that chandelier and blow that horn." Lasting 12 days, Ran Hosea is followed by Yor Kiplach, the Festival of Sand, during which no buttered bread may be eaten in remembrance of the flooding of the ancient Temple of Hosea.

Local Teen Slated to Masturbate Furiously

SALEM, IN—In a move designed to relieve several years of pent-up sexual frustration, area teen Jeremy Royce is slated for fever-pitched, white-hot masturbation later this evening.

MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the decennial national census survey.

Philip Morris Under Fire

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Free from the distractions of making products, Nike now plans to focus on creating the coolest ads ever.

"The last few years, it became impossible to maintain our high standards of advertising while faced with the daily distractions of making sneakers," said Phil Knight, Nike founder and CEO. "By discontinuing our entire product line, we will ensure that Nike remains the world's leader in the field of incredibly cool TV commercials well into the 21st century."

Nike's first project following the announcement will be a 40-minute, $200 million spot scheduled to air during halftime of Super Bowl XXXI in January 1997.

The spot, which is already being touted as "the most killer commercial of all time" by industry insiders, will feature appearances by Warner Bros. cartoon favorite Wile E. Coyote, supermodel Naomi Campbell and box-office superstar Bruce Willis, as well as "kitschy" cameos by TV's Adam "Batman" West and Barbara "I Dream of Jeannie" Eden.

The digital special effects and hyper-realistic alien space battle sequences in the new Nike ad are said to represent major breakthroughs in effects magic, and required the construction of a brand-new Nike supercomputer, as well as over 35 kilotons of pyrotechnic explosives.

In the ad's climactic finale sequence, the nation of Iceland will actually be destroyed and replaced with a 50-mile-long scale model of the Air Gravitas, an imaginary new Nike hiking shoe.

"In the past, with so much of our budget going toward things like research and development, and employee salaries, a project like this would not have been feasible," Knight said. "Now, from a financial standpoint, our ability to inspire the world's athletes through a barrage of stirring visual images and high-volume, exclusively licensed, let's-get-really-freaking-pumped rock music is almost limitless."

Nike officials are sure the new ad will top any previous advertising achievements the Nike corporation can boast. "Rest assured, if the Air Gravitas were real, everybody in the world would want a pair after seeing this commercial," Knight said. "If we were actually selling the Air Gravitas, it would go down as the most successfully marketed shoe in history."

According to Nike spokespeople, the company will fire most of its 6,800 employees, keeping only those in its advertising division. Nike plans to offer the fired employees' combined salary of $210 million to basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal, the only major superstar not currently under contract with Nike.

In the event O'Neal balks at the Nike offer, the company will terminate long-distance runner Joan Benoit-Samuelson's $10,000 annual contract and add it to his offer.

"Basically, we feel that there are a lot more important things in this life than selling shoes," Knight said. "When a Nike commercial ends, and the 'Just Do It' logo fills the screen, it means a lot more than 'Just Buy The Shoes.' It means 'Live Your Dreams.' It means 'Make It Happen, Children Of the Earth—Find The Courage To Go Out And Make The Most Out Of Life.' I don't want that beautiful message of hope and inspiration tarnished by crass commercialism."

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