adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of state-of-the-art television advertisements.

Free from the distractions of making products, Nike now plans to focus on creating the coolest ads ever.

"The last few years, it became impossible to maintain our high standards of advertising while faced with the daily distractions of making sneakers," said Phil Knight, Nike founder and CEO. "By discontinuing our entire product line, we will ensure that Nike remains the world's leader in the field of incredibly cool TV commercials well into the 21st century."

Nike's first project following the announcement will be a 40-minute, $200 million spot scheduled to air during halftime of Super Bowl XXXI in January 1997.

The spot, which is already being touted as "the most killer commercial of all time" by industry insiders, will feature appearances by Warner Bros. cartoon favorite Wile E. Coyote, supermodel Naomi Campbell and box-office superstar Bruce Willis, as well as "kitschy" cameos by TV's Adam "Batman" West and Barbara "I Dream of Jeannie" Eden.

The digital special effects and hyper-realistic alien space battle sequences in the new Nike ad are said to represent major breakthroughs in effects magic, and required the construction of a brand-new Nike supercomputer, as well as over 35 kilotons of pyrotechnic explosives.

In the ad's climactic finale sequence, the nation of Iceland will actually be destroyed and replaced with a 50-mile-long scale model of the Air Gravitas, an imaginary new Nike hiking shoe.

"In the past, with so much of our budget going toward things like research and development, and employee salaries, a project like this would not have been feasible," Knight said. "Now, from a financial standpoint, our ability to inspire the world's athletes through a barrage of stirring visual images and high-volume, exclusively licensed, let's-get-really-freaking-pumped rock music is almost limitless."

Nike officials are sure the new ad will top any previous advertising achievements the Nike corporation can boast. "Rest assured, if the Air Gravitas were real, everybody in the world would want a pair after seeing this commercial," Knight said. "If we were actually selling the Air Gravitas, it would go down as the most successfully marketed shoe in history."

According to Nike spokespeople, the company will fire most of its 6,800 employees, keeping only those in its advertising division. Nike plans to offer the fired employees' combined salary of $210 million to basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal, the only major superstar not currently under contract with Nike.

In the event O'Neal balks at the Nike offer, the company will terminate long-distance runner Joan Benoit-Samuelson's $10,000 annual contract and add it to his offer.

"Basically, we feel that there are a lot more important things in this life than selling shoes," Knight said. "When a Nike commercial ends, and the 'Just Do It' logo fills the screen, it means a lot more than 'Just Buy The Shoes.' It means 'Live Your Dreams.' It means 'Make It Happen, Children Of the Earth—Find The Courage To Go Out And Make The Most Out Of Life.' I don't want that beautiful message of hope and inspiration tarnished by crass commercialism."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close