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CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Nintendo Releases 'Phil Mickelson's Wacky Left-Handed Golf Tour'

NEW YORK—During a live demonstration at Nintendo's flagship Manhattan store Tuesday, company CEO Satoru Iwata debuted the company's new Phil Mickelson's Wacky Left-Handed Golf Tour for the Wii system, saying that he only needed to watch† Mickelson swing his driver once before being inspired to create multiple topsy-turvy three-dimensional left-handed mirror-worlds in which oversize golf balls explode in midair, massive sand-trap monsters engulf players, and tee shots are pushed 12,000 yards left of their intended target. "All the playable Miis become left handed," said a visibly giggly Iwata, adding that the game will come with special controllers consisting of a left-handed driver, iron, putter, and ball retriever. "Whether you are putting a ball into the mouth of a pink rhinoceros, or making sure your next shot lands on a cloud, you are doing it left-handed! You will look so silly playing in the upside down-world of Mr. Mickelson!" Satoru confirmed there would be a lengthy single-player quest mode in which gamers play as Mickelson and try to overthrow evil right-handed golfer Lion Forrest.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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