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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NIT Wrapped Up In About 5 Hours

NEW YORK—The 32-team field of the 2010 NIT took a businesslike attitude toward getting the tournament over with Wednesday, with participants entering Madison Square Garden at noon, hitting the showers around 5 p.m., and wrapping up the tournament's 31 games in record time. "We were just looking to put this whole thing behind us," head coach Rick Stansbury said of his victorious Mississippi State Bulldogs while charging out of the locker room and into the car he had left running outside. "The two-minute halves helped, obviously, but everyone did a great job of avoiding eye contact and playing basketball as fast as possible." NIT officials expressed disappointment that they weren't able to "get the whole thing down to a half hour, tops."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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