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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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'No Bunting' Rule Somehow Finds Way Into Updated MLB Rulebook

MILWAUKEE—The MLB Rules Committee announced the addition of a controversial new "no bunting" provision in the MLB rulebook Tuesday, described by chairman Sandy Alderson as "only fair." "A batter is out for illegal action when he fails to complete a full swing like everyone else just because he's fast and/or tricky," said Alderson, explaining the official instatement of Article 6.06(e) to the rules. "It's such a far run for the infielders, and plus it's so cheap." Other new rules include a 12-second time limit for a pitcher to deliver the ball, an automatic strike call for any batter who refuses to take his position in the batter's box, and the legalization of pegging.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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