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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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No Complaints If A Remake Of 'Emma' With Jon Hamm And Emily Blunt Got Thrown Our Way, Nation's Girlfriends Report

NEW YORK—Claiming it would be totally fine by them, the nation's girlfriends assured reporters Tuesday that if a new BBC miniseries remake of Emma starring Jon Hamm and Emily Blunt somehow got thrown their way, there would be no complaints from them. "All we're saying is, if they decided to film a classic tale of tangled romance set in Regency England starring those two actors, by all means," said Denver-area girlfriend Eva Mazula, who added that tossing in a little Ryan Gosling as Mr. Elton wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, either. "And certainly don't hold back, on our account, on squeezing in a scene where two characters in gorgeous period costumes exchange furtive glances across a ballroom while Judi Dench talks about her daughter's dowry. Honestly, feel free." A spokesperson for the nation's girlfriends confirmed that none of them would put up a fight should a back rub occur during one of the film's commercial breaks.

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