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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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No Complaints If A Remake Of 'Emma' With Jon Hamm And Emily Blunt Got Thrown Our Way, Nation's Girlfriends Report

NEW YORK—Claiming it would be totally fine by them, the nation's girlfriends assured reporters Tuesday that if a new BBC miniseries remake of Emma starring Jon Hamm and Emily Blunt somehow got thrown their way, there would be no complaints from them. "All we're saying is, if they decided to film a classic tale of tangled romance set in Regency England starring those two actors, by all means," said Denver-area girlfriend Eva Mazula, who added that tossing in a little Ryan Gosling as Mr. Elton wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, either. "And certainly don't hold back, on our account, on squeezing in a scene where two characters in gorgeous period costumes exchange furtive glances across a ballroom while Judi Dench talks about her daughter's dowry. Honestly, feel free." A spokesperson for the nation's girlfriends confirmed that none of them would put up a fight should a back rub occur during one of the film's commercial breaks.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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