Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

No Jennifer Lopez News Today

NEW YORK–Despite herculean efforts to somehow include her in the day's reportage, journalists, magazine editors, and TV-news producers across the nation have been forced to concede that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today.

Lopez in the infamous dress at the 2000 Grammy Awards.

"It grieves me to report that 'J. Lo,' America's gluteally gifted superstar diva, did not do anything newsworthy today," MTV News correspondent John Norris said. "As far as we can tell, as of press time, she didn't even leave her apartment."

Members of the media stressed that the dearth of Lopez coverage was not due to a lack of effort on their part.

"The sad reality of this situation is, we've already explored every possible angle," People feature writer Jill Smolowe said. "We did the new-album-coming-out piece. We did the new-movie-coming-out piece. We did the new-album-and-new-movie-are-both-number-one-at-the-same-time piece. We did the breakup-with-controversial-bad-boy-and-millionaire-rap-mogul-Puff Daddy piece, as well as the did-she-or-didn't-she-know-he-had-a-piece piece. And, of course, we've done countless variations on the what-is-she-wearing piece, which, incidentally, is a great piece, because you get to run lots of photos of her wearing whatever it is she's wearing."

One such photo, of the famous "barely there" Grammy Awards dress, has been reprinted approximately 5.8 billion times in various media outlets around the globe since its Feb. 24, 2000, debut in more than 450 newspapers nationwide. The photo, which news consumers had hoped to see again today, could not be shown due to a lack of related or even tangentially related Lopez stories for it to accompany. (See photo, right.)

Among other Lopez story angles that have already been exhausted by the media: the homegirl-from-the-Bronx-makes-good story, the she-got-her-start-as-one-of-the-"Fly Girls"-on-In Living Color story, and the Lopez-specific variant of the Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera is-she-too-sexy-to-be-an-appropriate-role-model-for-girls story.

The photo not reprinted today in newspapers across America.

"I thought maybe we could do a story about how Jennifer Lopez is a 'triple-threat'–i.e., she can sing, dance, and act–but then I remembered that we already shot that wad three issues ago," said Us Weekly editor-in-chief Terry McDonell. "I was thinking, with Puffy's legal situation, we could somehow work her into that context again, but she hasn't really been a part of the trial."

"Then it hit me: We could do a piece on how Lopez hasn't really been part of the trial," McDonell continued. "I thought I was really on to something there, but then I remembered that The [New York] Observer already did that [in 'Puffy's Trial Begs for Lopez's Presence,' New York Observer, Feb. 19, 2001]."

"J. Lo, regrettably, is not 'in the house,'" McDonell concluded with an exasperated sigh.

Lopez was last in the news last week, when the singing and acting sensation announced that she had signed a deal to launch her own clothing line under Tommy Hilfiger's label. However, members of the media noted, the story was so widely reported that it would be difficult to find a justifiable reason to report it again today.

"I am excited and proud to enter into this deal with Tommy Hilfiger," Lopez told People, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Variety, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Post, Access Hollywood, Extra, The Today Show, Live! With Regis And Kelly, and NBA Inside Stuff.

When will the Lopez news drought, now entering Hour 27, end? No one knows for sure.

"Jennifer Lopez, the multi-platinum, multi-talented superstar for the new millennium, the first artist to simultaneously have a number-one movie and album at the same time, the sexy but soulful girl from the wrong side of the tracks with the heartwarming rags-to-riches rise to the top of the entertainment-industry ladder, the fiery red pepper with the legendary Latina butt, who came to national attention as one of the 'Fly Girls' on In Living Color, who may or may not be 'too sexy' to be a good role model for little girls, who was romanced by bad-boy rapper Puff Daddy before their fairy-tale love story was brought to an end by juicy scandal, whose involvement in his subsequent trial was unfortunately negligible, whose recent gig hosting Saturday Night Live was infamously delayed 40 minutes due to an overlong XFL football game, whose smash sophomore release J. Lo, featuring the hit single "Love Don't Cost A Thing," is in stores now, who charmed millions of moviegoers in The Wedding Planner, and who recently signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger, is not in the news today, and we just have to face that fact and move on," said Entertainment Tonight co-host and self-described "big fan" Bob Goen. "Hopefully, though, she will do something by the end of the day today, giving America the chance to see more pictures of her tomorrow."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.