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Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.
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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

No Jennifer Lopez News Today

NEW YORK–Despite herculean efforts to somehow include her in the day's reportage, journalists, magazine editors, and TV-news producers across the nation have been forced to concede that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today.

Lopez in the infamous dress at the 2000 Grammy Awards.

"It grieves me to report that 'J. Lo,' America's gluteally gifted superstar diva, did not do anything newsworthy today," MTV News correspondent John Norris said. "As far as we can tell, as of press time, she didn't even leave her apartment."

Members of the media stressed that the dearth of Lopez coverage was not due to a lack of effort on their part.

"The sad reality of this situation is, we've already explored every possible angle," People feature writer Jill Smolowe said. "We did the new-album-coming-out piece. We did the new-movie-coming-out piece. We did the new-album-and-new-movie-are-both-number-one-at-the-same-time piece. We did the breakup-with-controversial-bad-boy-and-millionaire-rap-mogul-Puff Daddy piece, as well as the did-she-or-didn't-she-know-he-had-a-piece piece. And, of course, we've done countless variations on the what-is-she-wearing piece, which, incidentally, is a great piece, because you get to run lots of photos of her wearing whatever it is she's wearing."

One such photo, of the famous "barely there" Grammy Awards dress, has been reprinted approximately 5.8 billion times in various media outlets around the globe since its Feb. 24, 2000, debut in more than 450 newspapers nationwide. The photo, which news consumers had hoped to see again today, could not be shown due to a lack of related or even tangentially related Lopez stories for it to accompany. (See photo, right.)

Among other Lopez story angles that have already been exhausted by the media: the homegirl-from-the-Bronx-makes-good story, the she-got-her-start-as-one-of-the-"Fly Girls"-on-In Living Color story, and the Lopez-specific variant of the Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera is-she-too-sexy-to-be-an-appropriate-role-model-for-girls story.

The photo not reprinted today in newspapers across America.

"I thought maybe we could do a story about how Jennifer Lopez is a 'triple-threat'–i.e., she can sing, dance, and act–but then I remembered that we already shot that wad three issues ago," said Us Weekly editor-in-chief Terry McDonell. "I was thinking, with Puffy's legal situation, we could somehow work her into that context again, but she hasn't really been a part of the trial."

"Then it hit me: We could do a piece on how Lopez hasn't really been part of the trial," McDonell continued. "I thought I was really on to something there, but then I remembered that The [New York] Observer already did that [in 'Puffy's Trial Begs for Lopez's Presence,' New York Observer, Feb. 19, 2001]."

"J. Lo, regrettably, is not 'in the house,'" McDonell concluded with an exasperated sigh.

Lopez was last in the news last week, when the singing and acting sensation announced that she had signed a deal to launch her own clothing line under Tommy Hilfiger's label. However, members of the media noted, the story was so widely reported that it would be difficult to find a justifiable reason to report it again today.

"I am excited and proud to enter into this deal with Tommy Hilfiger," Lopez told People, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Variety, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Post, Access Hollywood, Extra, The Today Show, Live! With Regis And Kelly, and NBA Inside Stuff.

When will the Lopez news drought, now entering Hour 27, end? No one knows for sure.

"Jennifer Lopez, the multi-platinum, multi-talented superstar for the new millennium, the first artist to simultaneously have a number-one movie and album at the same time, the sexy but soulful girl from the wrong side of the tracks with the heartwarming rags-to-riches rise to the top of the entertainment-industry ladder, the fiery red pepper with the legendary Latina butt, who came to national attention as one of the 'Fly Girls' on In Living Color, who may or may not be 'too sexy' to be a good role model for little girls, who was romanced by bad-boy rapper Puff Daddy before their fairy-tale love story was brought to an end by juicy scandal, whose involvement in his subsequent trial was unfortunately negligible, whose recent gig hosting Saturday Night Live was infamously delayed 40 minutes due to an overlong XFL football game, whose smash sophomore release J. Lo, featuring the hit single "Love Don't Cost A Thing," is in stores now, who charmed millions of moviegoers in The Wedding Planner, and who recently signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger, is not in the news today, and we just have to face that fact and move on," said Entertainment Tonight co-host and self-described "big fan" Bob Goen. "Hopefully, though, she will do something by the end of the day today, giving America the chance to see more pictures of her tomorrow."