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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

No Jennifer Lopez News Today

NEW YORK–Despite herculean efforts to somehow include her in the day's reportage, journalists, magazine editors, and TV-news producers across the nation have been forced to concede that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today.

Lopez in the infamous dress at the 2000 Grammy Awards.

"It grieves me to report that 'J. Lo,' America's gluteally gifted superstar diva, did not do anything newsworthy today," MTV News correspondent John Norris said. "As far as we can tell, as of press time, she didn't even leave her apartment."

Members of the media stressed that the dearth of Lopez coverage was not due to a lack of effort on their part.

"The sad reality of this situation is, we've already explored every possible angle," People feature writer Jill Smolowe said. "We did the new-album-coming-out piece. We did the new-movie-coming-out piece. We did the new-album-and-new-movie-are-both-number-one-at-the-same-time piece. We did the breakup-with-controversial-bad-boy-and-millionaire-rap-mogul-Puff Daddy piece, as well as the did-she-or-didn't-she-know-he-had-a-piece piece. And, of course, we've done countless variations on the what-is-she-wearing piece, which, incidentally, is a great piece, because you get to run lots of photos of her wearing whatever it is she's wearing."

One such photo, of the famous "barely there" Grammy Awards dress, has been reprinted approximately 5.8 billion times in various media outlets around the globe since its Feb. 24, 2000, debut in more than 450 newspapers nationwide. The photo, which news consumers had hoped to see again today, could not be shown due to a lack of related or even tangentially related Lopez stories for it to accompany. (See photo, right.)

Among other Lopez story angles that have already been exhausted by the media: the homegirl-from-the-Bronx-makes-good story, the she-got-her-start-as-one-of-the-"Fly Girls"-on-In Living Color story, and the Lopez-specific variant of the Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera is-she-too-sexy-to-be-an-appropriate-role-model-for-girls story.

The photo not reprinted today in newspapers across America.

"I thought maybe we could do a story about how Jennifer Lopez is a 'triple-threat'–i.e., she can sing, dance, and act–but then I remembered that we already shot that wad three issues ago," said Us Weekly editor-in-chief Terry McDonell. "I was thinking, with Puffy's legal situation, we could somehow work her into that context again, but she hasn't really been a part of the trial."

"Then it hit me: We could do a piece on how Lopez hasn't really been part of the trial," McDonell continued. "I thought I was really on to something there, but then I remembered that The [New York] Observer already did that [in 'Puffy's Trial Begs for Lopez's Presence,' New York Observer, Feb. 19, 2001]."

"J. Lo, regrettably, is not 'in the house,'" McDonell concluded with an exasperated sigh.

Lopez was last in the news last week, when the singing and acting sensation announced that she had signed a deal to launch her own clothing line under Tommy Hilfiger's label. However, members of the media noted, the story was so widely reported that it would be difficult to find a justifiable reason to report it again today.

"I am excited and proud to enter into this deal with Tommy Hilfiger," Lopez told People, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Variety, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Post, Access Hollywood, Extra, The Today Show, Live! With Regis And Kelly, and NBA Inside Stuff.

When will the Lopez news drought, now entering Hour 27, end? No one knows for sure.

"Jennifer Lopez, the multi-platinum, multi-talented superstar for the new millennium, the first artist to simultaneously have a number-one movie and album at the same time, the sexy but soulful girl from the wrong side of the tracks with the heartwarming rags-to-riches rise to the top of the entertainment-industry ladder, the fiery red pepper with the legendary Latina butt, who came to national attention as one of the 'Fly Girls' on In Living Color, who may or may not be 'too sexy' to be a good role model for little girls, who was romanced by bad-boy rapper Puff Daddy before their fairy-tale love story was brought to an end by juicy scandal, whose involvement in his subsequent trial was unfortunately negligible, whose recent gig hosting Saturday Night Live was infamously delayed 40 minutes due to an overlong XFL football game, whose smash sophomore release J. Lo, featuring the hit single "Love Don't Cost A Thing," is in stores now, who charmed millions of moviegoers in The Wedding Planner, and who recently signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger, is not in the news today, and we just have to face that fact and move on," said Entertainment Tonight co-host and self-described "big fan" Bob Goen. "Hopefully, though, she will do something by the end of the day today, giving America the chance to see more pictures of her tomorrow."

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