No Jennifer Lopez News Today

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Vol 37 Issue 09

Mockingbird Imitates Car Alarm Perfectly

HOUSTON–In an unsettling development for the natural world, a mockingbird was heard perfectly mimicking a car alarm Monday. "I heard this strange song coming from a mockingbird in a big spruce across the street from St. Luke's Hospital," bird watcher Bob Ausmus said. "After a minute or two, I realized it was one of those multi-sound car alarms–he did the staccato one, the slowly rising one, the buzzing one. He must have picked it up from one of the BMWs in the parking lot." Ornithologists predict that the alarm song will spread to millions of birds and be handed down for centuries to come.

Dubious Inclusions Damage Credibility Of Entire Record Collection

HAMMOND, IN–The credibility of 26-year-old Jeff Gaskill's record collection is badly damaged by the inclusion of several albums of dubious artistic merit, friend Rob Appel reported Monday. "He's got tons of awesome stuff, everything from [X-Ray Spex's] Germ Free Adolescents to [Al Green's] Call Me," Appel said of the 750-plus CD library. "But then, smack-dab in between The Pogues' Rum, Sodomy & The Lash and Portishead's Dummy is Poison's Greatest Hits." Continued Appel: "Before I could ask him what the hell it was doing there, I spot Hell Freezes Over by The Eagles. That record alone negates the coolness of Brian Eno's Here Come The Warm Jets and The Flying Burrito Brothers' The Gilded Palace Of Sin."

Insufferable Prick Distinctly Said No Cilantro

NEW YORK–Dan Carswell, a 31-year-old Fidelity Investments commodities trader and unbelievable asshole, distinctly told his Aquavit server Tuesday that he did not want cilantro on his avocado salad. "I have to be downtown for a meeting in 30 minutes," the fucking cockbiter told waitress Natalie Elson while handing back the salad. "Could we please get it right this time?" The colossal shit went on to exhibit his displeasure by leaving a four percent tip.

Women's Prison Riot Feels Gratuitous

DECATUR, GA–Monday's full-scale riot at the Georgia Women's Correctional Facility is being derided by witnesses as "contrived" and "blatantly designed to pander to prurient interests." "It's obvious that this was just a thinly veiled excuse to have women claw at each other and tear each other's shirts off," Decatur resident Charles Fenig said of the inmate uprising, during which one guard was fatally stabbed and six others held hostage for more than three hours. "I expect more from our women's prisons than this sort of cheap, exploitative 'caged heat.'" Critics also panned prison warden Barb Hofstadt, calling her "a textbook sadistic, bull-dyke warden straight out of central casting."

Dick Cheney's Heart

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems?

The Meat-Substitute Boom

With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular items amount meat-shunning Americans?
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No Jennifer Lopez News Today

NEW YORK–Despite herculean efforts to somehow include her in the day's reportage, journalists, magazine editors, and TV-news producers across the nation have been forced to concede that there is no Jennifer Lopez news today.

Lopez in the infamous dress at the 2000 Grammy Awards.

"It grieves me to report that 'J. Lo,' America's gluteally gifted superstar diva, did not do anything newsworthy today," MTV News correspondent John Norris said. "As far as we can tell, as of press time, she didn't even leave her apartment."

Members of the media stressed that the dearth of Lopez coverage was not due to a lack of effort on their part.

"The sad reality of this situation is, we've already explored every possible angle," People feature writer Jill Smolowe said. "We did the new-album-coming-out piece. We did the new-movie-coming-out piece. We did the new-album-and-new-movie-are-both-number-one-at-the-same-time piece. We did the breakup-with-controversial-bad-boy-and-millionaire-rap-mogul-Puff Daddy piece, as well as the did-she-or-didn't-she-know-he-had-a-piece piece. And, of course, we've done countless variations on the what-is-she-wearing piece, which, incidentally, is a great piece, because you get to run lots of photos of her wearing whatever it is she's wearing."

One such photo, of the famous "barely there" Grammy Awards dress, has been reprinted approximately 5.8 billion times in various media outlets around the globe since its Feb. 24, 2000, debut in more than 450 newspapers nationwide. The photo, which news consumers had hoped to see again today, could not be shown due to a lack of related or even tangentially related Lopez stories for it to accompany. (See photo, right.)

Among other Lopez story angles that have already been exhausted by the media: the homegirl-from-the-Bronx-makes-good story, the she-got-her-start-as-one-of-the-"Fly Girls"-on-In Living Color story, and the Lopez-specific variant of the Britney Spears/Christina Aguilera is-she-too-sexy-to-be-an-appropriate-role-model-for-girls story.

The photo not reprinted today in newspapers across America.

"I thought maybe we could do a story about how Jennifer Lopez is a 'triple-threat'–i.e., she can sing, dance, and act–but then I remembered that we already shot that wad three issues ago," said Us Weekly editor-in-chief Terry McDonell. "I was thinking, with Puffy's legal situation, we could somehow work her into that context again, but she hasn't really been a part of the trial."

"Then it hit me: We could do a piece on how Lopez hasn't really been part of the trial," McDonell continued. "I thought I was really on to something there, but then I remembered that The [New York] Observer already did that [in 'Puffy's Trial Begs for Lopez's Presence,' New York Observer, Feb. 19, 2001]."

"J. Lo, regrettably, is not 'in the house,'" McDonell concluded with an exasperated sigh.

Lopez was last in the news last week, when the singing and acting sensation announced that she had signed a deal to launch her own clothing line under Tommy Hilfiger's label. However, members of the media noted, the story was so widely reported that it would be difficult to find a justifiable reason to report it again today.

"I am excited and proud to enter into this deal with Tommy Hilfiger," Lopez told People, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Variety, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Post, Access Hollywood, Extra, The Today Show, Live! With Regis And Kelly, and NBA Inside Stuff.

When will the Lopez news drought, now entering Hour 27, end? No one knows for sure.

"Jennifer Lopez, the multi-platinum, multi-talented superstar for the new millennium, the first artist to simultaneously have a number-one movie and album at the same time, the sexy but soulful girl from the wrong side of the tracks with the heartwarming rags-to-riches rise to the top of the entertainment-industry ladder, the fiery red pepper with the legendary Latina butt, who came to national attention as one of the 'Fly Girls' on In Living Color, who may or may not be 'too sexy' to be a good role model for little girls, who was romanced by bad-boy rapper Puff Daddy before their fairy-tale love story was brought to an end by juicy scandal, whose involvement in his subsequent trial was unfortunately negligible, whose recent gig hosting Saturday Night Live was infamously delayed 40 minutes due to an overlong XFL football game, whose smash sophomore release J. Lo, featuring the hit single "Love Don't Cost A Thing," is in stores now, who charmed millions of moviegoers in The Wedding Planner, and who recently signed a deal with Tommy Hilfiger, is not in the news today, and we just have to face that fact and move on," said Entertainment Tonight co-host and self-described "big fan" Bob Goen. "Hopefully, though, she will do something by the end of the day today, giving America the chance to see more pictures of her tomorrow."

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