No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

No Leads Sought In Asshole's Murder

BROOKLYN, NY—The New York Police Department released a statement today confirming its intention to ignore the brutal slaying of local asshole Don Hewson, 34, and to avoid pursuing leads as long as possible. "Mr. Hewson was found with multiple stab and gunshot wounds in his smug fucking face and puffed-up chest, and while we recovered a number of weapons, we are neither testing them for prints nor tracing any serial numbers," Detective Travis Calloway said. "Nor will we follow up on the explicit eye-witness descriptions of the car seen leaving the scene, the calls to Hewson's phone, or interview the scores of people who had good reason to want this guy dead. There may have been a murder here, but we're having a hard time identifying any actual crime." Calloway said anyone calling NYPD's crime hotline with information on the murder would be eligible for fines of up to $10,000.