No One At Baseball Game Has Any Idea What Inning It Is, What Score Is, What Teams Playing

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

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No One At Baseball Game Has Any Idea What Inning It Is, What Score Is, What Teams Playing

CINCINNATI—Despite their earnest efforts to follow along with the action during Friday’s matchup between the San Diego Padres and the Cincinnati Reds, not a single person attending the baseball game currently has any idea what inning it is, what the score is, or even which teams are playing, sources confirmed.

“Early on, I was trying to pay attention, but at this point I’m completely lost,” said spectator Blake Kessler, just one of thousands of individuals in the Great American Ball Park stands who told reporters that they could “only guess” as to the status and participants of the ongoing matchup. “The last thing I remember is that first team getting a couple of hits, but I’m not sure if they scored any runs after that. Man, that must have been at least an hour ago.”

“Where’s the scoreboard?” Kessler added.

While those attending the game claimed that they had initially attempted to keep track of varying aspects of the contest such as the number of outs, the player at bat, and which color uniforms each team was wearing, every patron admitted that they had long lost track of these and other details of the contest.

Specifically, a large number of ticket holders said that, before the first out had even been recorded, they “just kind of zoned out for a while.” After making an effort to pay attention, the crowd reportedly entered a deep state of confusion regarding the count, whether the game was in the top or bottom of the inning, and even the name of a single player currently or previously on the field.

More alarmingly, several of these bewildered baseball fans claimed that, at this point, they saw no way of orienting themselves in any way.

“I let my mind wander for a bit, and now I have absolutely no idea what I’m watching,” said ballpark patron Jeffrey Arnold, noting that he didn’t remember the game starting and couldn’t say how long he had been sitting in his seat in the left field bleachers. “If I had to guess, I would say the score is 4-0, but I have no idea why I think that. I’m reasonably sure I remember someone saying something about a 4, though.”

“But, hold on, hold on, one of these teams has to be the Reds, right?” Arnold continued. “I’m pretty sure we’re in Cincinnati and that’s where they play. Right?”

While the attendees’ collective confusion primarily has revolved around those topics of uncertainty directly pertaining to the ongoing matchup, sources confirmed that many patrons’ uneasiness quickly led them to question the more basic aspects of their surroundings and such have expanded into broader matters of human existence.

“If none of us know what is happening on the field, can any of us be assured that we’re even here watching this so-called baseball game?” shouted spectator Morgan Reilly, addressing the other dazed and anxious men and women in his seating section. “What’s my name? Am I alive? Do I exist? Do any of us? Did they just make a pitching change? How did I get here?”

“Oh, God, what is this? And what are you, God?” Reilly added.

At press time, there were seven innings remaining in the ballgame.

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