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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
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No One At Baseball Game Has Any Idea What Inning It Is, What Score Is, What Teams Playing

CINCINNATI—Despite their earnest efforts to follow along with the action during Friday’s matchup between the San Diego Padres and the Cincinnati Reds, not a single person attending the baseball game currently has any idea what inning it is, what the score is, or even which teams are playing, sources confirmed.

“Early on, I was trying to pay attention, but at this point I’m completely lost,” said spectator Blake Kessler, just one of thousands of individuals in the Great American Ball Park stands who told reporters that they could “only guess” as to the status and participants of the ongoing matchup. “The last thing I remember is that first team getting a couple of hits, but I’m not sure if they scored any runs after that. Man, that must have been at least an hour ago.”

“Where’s the scoreboard?” Kessler added.

While those attending the game claimed that they had initially attempted to keep track of varying aspects of the contest such as the number of outs, the player at bat, and which color uniforms each team was wearing, every patron admitted that they had long lost track of these and other details of the contest.

Specifically, a large number of ticket holders said that, before the first out had even been recorded, they “just kind of zoned out for a while.” After making an effort to pay attention, the crowd reportedly entered a deep state of confusion regarding the count, whether the game was in the top or bottom of the inning, and even the name of a single player currently or previously on the field.

More alarmingly, several of these bewildered baseball fans claimed that, at this point, they saw no way of orienting themselves in any way.

“I let my mind wander for a bit, and now I have absolutely no idea what I’m watching,” said ballpark patron Jeffrey Arnold, noting that he didn’t remember the game starting and couldn’t say how long he had been sitting in his seat in the left field bleachers. “If I had to guess, I would say the score is 4-0, but I have no idea why I think that. I’m reasonably sure I remember someone saying something about a 4, though.”

“But, hold on, hold on, one of these teams has to be the Reds, right?” Arnold continued. “I’m pretty sure we’re in Cincinnati and that’s where they play. Right?”

While the attendees’ collective confusion primarily has revolved around those topics of uncertainty directly pertaining to the ongoing matchup, sources confirmed that many patrons’ uneasiness quickly led them to question the more basic aspects of their surroundings and such have expanded into broader matters of human existence.

“If none of us know what is happening on the field, can any of us be assured that we’re even here watching this so-called baseball game?” shouted spectator Morgan Reilly, addressing the other dazed and anxious men and women in his seating section. “What’s my name? Am I alive? Do I exist? Do any of us? Did they just make a pitching change? How did I get here?”

“Oh, God, what is this? And what are you, God?” Reilly added.

At press time, there were seven innings remaining in the ballgame.

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